You made terrible choices. But at 32, you still have a lifetime of great choices left to make. And when you have personal integrity, when you’re able to feel like a whole person, your capacity to provide love and stability for others (primarily your wife and children, of course) is many times magnified.

Your wife sounds like a incredibly strong woman, who will forgive you – not for you, but for herself. So she can move on and find someone who can love her to the fullest. I believe that as she does that, the two of you may be able to forge a supportive new relationship out of the current raw, painful honesty about life that only a small percentage of marriages ever achieve.

Your life only has the potential to get infinitely better from here. Suicide is incredibly selfish. Leave the selfish decisions in the past and embrace the honest, loving person you want to become.

The road will be tough emotionally and mentally because, like everyone else, you do not see the future, yet you’re constantly facing it. And though the future may seem bleak at times, especially when the going gets tough, it is always easier to find your way through darkness when you have your head held high and looking straight ahead.

And think for a second how much society will have changed by the time your kids are cognizant of the effects of reality and decisions. Do no doubt it, not for one second. Your kids will be raised in the brightest and most accepting generation that our world has ever seen. They will not see you as gay, or as the man who left their mom, no. They will see their father, their dad, and a strong one at that. It takes courage to do what you did, considering your situation, but you did it and you didn’t back away.

But to be the father and the man that the future holds, you have to not give up. You have to keep your head held high. You have to be there when the times calls, and even when it doesn’t. Through your struggles of self acceptance and the choices you have made, you have been given a golden opportunity to shine through the shadows that you’re facing. You have the ability to come out on top, above and beyond, and to show that what you did was not a mistake. Because in life there are no mistakes, there are only choices and what you do when you’re given those choices.

If you could only see what I see, then you would “see.” Though, probably not now, or tomorrow, next week, or even next year, but in time you will see. And when you do see, it will be a beautiful sight. You will be standing on the summit on the biggest mountain you may ever climb, and from your vantage you will be able to see the clouds that once obscured your path. You will see the people you met throughout your climb to the top, including your children, and they will be there with you when you reach the top. The air will be clean, and the burdens relieved. You may have a few scars left from your journey, but they will not compare to the prize that awaits at the summit.

So please, do not give up. We’re all down at the bottom of the mountain watching, hoping, and rooting for you. And though our shouts and calls may be faint at times, know that they carry with them all the love and support that we can muster. Remember that the best paths in life are always the most difficult. But also remember that the most difficult tasks reap the greatest rewards.

You have all of my love and all of my support. I will think about you tonight, and tomorrow. I will think about you next week and next month. I will always be thinking, and I will always be hoping.

Love,
Caleb

I think we can all appreciate your concerns – deceit, adultery, and the dissolution of the marriage contract are all abominable actions. However, in your arguments, you tend to focus on what N should never have done in the first place – namely, marry a woman when he knew he was gay and subsequently have an extramarital affair. Yes, you are right. N also acknowledges his folly.

However, as you well know, N cannot turn back the clock. His moral obligations lie in the present. What is the right decision to make in light of the circumstances of his life, and his family’s life, at this point? You will probably agree that suicide would be the worst option, depriving not only himself of life, but his children of a father. For the sake of argument, let’s suppose he has two other choices: come out to his wife, or not come out to his wife. N has chosen honesty with himself, the woman he has committed himself to, and the community at large. While his actions have not always been honorable, it’s never too late to at least try to make right what is wrong. N is courageous not because he is getting divorced, or choosing to be true to himself, or even because his is openly gay in a time when it is still not safe to do so. The reason he is courageous is because this a scary situation for him, yet he is facing it with a certain grace and strength that I don’t believe many of us could muster if called upon to do so. I do not believe that N is attempting to blame his parents, his college friend, or society at large for his current plight. I also believe that he and his wife are working together to find the best solution for their children.

You have insisted that you do not want to call “Sinner” here, but that is all I hear in between the lines of your responses. Yes, he is a sinner. So am I. So are you, and so is everyone on this planet. Nobody’s life is perfect, and nobody can undo past mistakes – we can only seek to rectify them in the present, and to make the best future for the people we love. I believe that N is doing his best to achieve that, and I thank him for sharing his story with us. And Matt, thank you for participating in this conversation while maintaining a reasonable tone. Let us relegate ourselves to discussing what is presently feasible, and then our conversations might be fruitful.

Sincerely,
Kathy

My mother told me that my dad was gay before he had a chance to come out to me. I was devastated because he was so scared to tell me. I cried a lot that night, and I will never forget it. I lived in secrecy about it from my father for almost a year. When I told him I knew, he was shocked.

He still reminds me of what I said to him that day. “Well, you’re still my dad, right?”

I love my father so much. He told me about how scared he was to tell us because of stories he heard from other gay fathers whose children rejected them. He told me he had a really hard time coming out completely. He also grew up in a religious and strict household. Some of his brothers and sisters don’t speak to us anymore because of this, but as we see it, we don’t need people that won’t be accepting.

He went through a lot of therapy after the divorce. It helped him immensely and I would suggest it to you, too. You have so much to live for. My father has been with his partner for over ten years now, and I love him like a father, too. Your children love you and they will accept you. Please, please, don’t commit suicide.