By David Small

Charlie, Karen & Casey Elena

Charlie Morgan’s voice has been muted by cancer. It has spread and is putting pressure on her vocal cords. But while she speaks with a soft whisper now, her voice has never been louder. Her fight to ensure her small and loving family is taken care of in the event the cancer overcomes her life is being heard loudly. From the local papers in New Hampshire to the halls of Congress, Charlie and Karen Morgan are the national faces of resistance to the federal Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA).

EARLY YEARS

Charlie, now a chief warrant officer in the New Hampshire National Guard, met her wife to-be, Karen, in 1997 while working for the local newspaper in Lexington, Ky. They were introduced through a mutual friend on casual terms. Their first date was to a Lilith Fair concert—a fitting beginning to their 15-year relationship where their family enjoys activities based on musical events, especially at wineries.

As soon as Vermont made civil unions available in 2000, the two tied the knot there. “We thought civil unions were equal to marriage until last year,” relayed Karen, who spoke for both her and Charlie through the interview, given Charlie’s difficulty speaking. The two officially wed only recently in a small ceremony among family and friends in New Hampshire on the same day their civil union was dissolved. They wanted no gap in time for their relationship. “It was very important to us emotionally.”

The two changed their name to Morgan during their original commitment. They had talked about hyphenating their name, but decided a new name was symbolic of starting a new life together. They chose Morgan because of its water element symbolism and the water’s references to strength and commitment. In the dawn of their biggest fight later in life, they have found that water has provided them solace and comfort.

Charlie is the first woman Karen had ever been with and she came out to her family after the two made a commitment to each other. “At that point, I realized I’d tell the people important in my life. I was going to be who I am, and I’m very happy with who I am,” said Karen.

Charlie, on the other hand, came out much earlier in life. She had been on active duty as a motor pool clerk and returned from her post in Germany to Fort Hood, Texas in 1984, at only 19 years old. Before signing in, she visited her mother and brought a friend with her. She wanted to talk to her mom about her friend, but her mom replied before Charlie could say anything, “If you’re going to tell me you’re gay, then I already know that.” Charlie was speechless and maintains a good relationship with her family today.

The two met while Charlie was a civilian, having separated from the Army in 1992, but she hadn’t been a civilian for long. “I remember when we met, she still did things like she was in the military, folding her clothes and organizing her drawers,” said Karen.

MAKING OF A FAMILY

During the winter, the two live in a quaint, ranch-style home overlooking the sea coast in Rye, N.H., just outside of Portsmouth. From their kitchen table, they enjoy the calming view of the sea. On warmer nights, the two enjoy a glass of wine on their deck where they listen to the bell buoys ring in the ocean. In the summer, when their daughter Casey Elena, 5, is out of school, they stay with Karen’s elderly parents in the lakes region, making their winter rental near the beach affordable. Water is indeed an important element in their family.

It was Casey Elena, though, that brought the family north from Kentucky, where the three had built a home. There, Charlie had been a business teacher in a rural community, and Karen worked in equine management and at the newspaper. Before Casey Elena was born, the two had been foster parents.

“Being foster parents was something we felt strongly we needed to do to give back to the community,” they said. “We knew we wanted to be parents and it absolutely changed our lives in a positive way.”

But working didn’t suit the parental lifestyle Karen had fallen into, so she became a full-time mom, while Charlie became the family’s full-time breadwinner. Charlie re-entered the Army as a National Guard soldier in 2004, while still teaching high school business.

“I love my family. I love Charlie. And I love my country,” said Karen. “I’m so proud of Charlie’s service.”

Wanting to move to a place where they could find more acceptance of their family and be closer to grandparents and cousins, they headed to New Hampshire. Casey Elena attends a small Montessori school with a diverse curriculum, and they now live in a more supportive community.

“She has the best possible place to grow up,” the couple said. “As a family, we love to do outdoorsy things like hiking, biking and going to the beach. Our daughter loves to bowl, and within a few years, she is going to be better than either of us. We do things that draw us together as a family.”

Karen takes Casey Elana to the beach almost every day, while Charlie’s unit has accommodated her health issues by allowing her to telecommute from home. There, she is able to manage the state Guard’s education services. On days she isn’t up to it, she curls up on the couch under a blanket that Casey Elena brings her “mama” and watches the sea from their large picture window as Casey Elena frolics in the sand. Charlie is mama while Karen is mommy.

“She’s a really creative child,” they said. “She’s very into painting, drawing and projects. She also does gymnastics, dance, and she loved her preschool soccer camp last summer. We want her to grow up honest and proud. After ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ (DADT), we could teach her those lessons.”

A TRIP TO REMEMBER

The family also loves to travel when they can, learning about new people and cultures. In fulfilling something on the family’s bucket list, OutServe raised money for them to go to Hawaii over Valentine’s Day 2012, as they didn’t have the financial resources for such a trip. People donated airline miles, paid for their hotels, gave them tickets for activities, and lent them a Jeep.

“This is the way the military takes care of its own,” they said. “OutServe took care of us the way the rest of the military does for others. We want to say thank you to everybody, especially Jeffry Priela-Tam, one of the OutServe Hawaii chapter leaders, and Sue Fulton, who facilitated so much of the trip. It was life-changing and created a whole new book of family memories for us.”

LIVING UNDER DADT

To the casual observer, there is nothing different about their family than any other. But they have had their trials and tribulations, especially living under DADT.

“Before DADT, we really had two separate lives,” they said. “We had our personal life with our family, and Charlie had her military life. We didn’t let the two mingle.”

It was an isolating time for Karen because she didn’t have the ability to freely converse about her experiences as a military wife to other military spouses. This emotion really came to a head when Charlie was given less than 24-hours notice to deploy for three weeks to the gulf coast in response to Hurricane Katrina. There, she supported a unit that hauled food and water to people in need. Charlie, the ever-organized professional, quickly made her business class lesson plans available to a substitute in a scramble.

But from Karen’s perspective, it was scary. “What if something happens while she’s away? Will they know to contact me? The answer was no,” she said.

Hurricane Katrina happened only a year after the couple deliberated what it meant for Charlie to re-enter service after a 12-year break. At the time, the couple was living openly.

“We were true to ourselves. Everybody in our life knew about our relationship and our family,” they said. “What that meant, essentially, was that for the first time, we couldn’t be a part of each other’s life.”

The two endured another deployment as Charlie left for a year in September, 2010. She had just been given a clean bill of health from her first bout of cancer and the brigade needed an equal opportunity officer in Kuwait. It was an interesting deployment as she got an inside view of the demise of DADT, given her official duties.

With eight months’ notice, the two also had more in place for this deployment, especially communication. At Casey Elena’s stage of development, it was important for the couple to ensure the bond remained strong between momma and daughter. At the same time, communication for Karen and Charlie was difficult because they were on constant guard, even afraid to sign cards “with love.”

To other couples facing deployment, the two advise, “Plan your communications as much as you can in advance and make that commitment to each other. It’s really important to take that time. You’re living two different lives, apart. As a married couple, our priority was the few minutes we had to talk.”

They also said it is important for each person in the relationship to have a source of support. For Charlie, it was her first-line supervisor and her roommate, 1LT Jenifer Donovan. Lieutenant Donovan’s experience as a conservative person against same-sex marriage changed upon meeting Charlie. Her story is told in a sidebar to this article.

For Karen, she applauds the end of DADT as spouses at home will be able to access family readiness groups as a source of support in the future.

Charlie redeployed during DADT’s 60-day certification period in August 2011. The family celebrated in Boston like it was New Years’ Eve. The eve of the Repeal, Charlie was approached by OutServe to be on MSNBC, where she came out nationally on Sept 20, 2011.

“I felt really proud to do that,” said Charlie. “It was the first time I could, in a professional capacity, say that I was a lesbian in the military and that I loved my family and my country.”

The two kept Casey Elena home from school that day, as it was a family celebration. “She understands in some capacity that it was a very special day,” they said.

STRENGTHENING MARRIAGE

The couple’s first experience as LGBT advocates occurred when Charlie requested an exception to policy to allow Karen to attend the Yellow Ribbon Reintegration Program from New Hampshire’s Adjutant General, Air Force Maj Gen William N. Reddel. The Yellow Ribbon Program exists for all services’ guardsmen and reservists who return home to civilian life after deployment and must reintegrate into their former lives. Whereas active duty soldiers have such resources on their bases and from their units, citizen soldiers often spread with the four winds upon returning and don’t have easy access to such programs and resources.

General Reddel, acting on inaccurate information from his lawyers, returned a letter to the Morgans denying the exception to policy and barring Karen from attending the program, citing DOMA.

“It was heartbreaking,” they said. “The purpose of Yellow Ribbon is to support families. We wanted to go as a married couple and attend a specific session called ‘Strengthening Marriage.’”

Note that this denial occurred after DADT repeal certification but before Sept. 20’s repeal. New Hampshire Sen. Jean Shaheen got wind of the situation and intervened on the couple’s behalf, allowing Karen to attend.

“I was so nervous about going after the hoopla,” said Karen. “It became a big deal. I wondered if it would be hostile or friendly. But the brigade commander and deputy adjutant general welcomed us and were very supportive and cordial. On the way out, the general told us, ‘Please don’t stop here. Continue to fight what you’re fighting for.’”

Ironically, the contractor hired to teach the Strengthening Marriage session was a lesbian, using her own experiences with her partner as examples during the class.

Returning from the desert, it was nice for Charlie to return to her seaside home. “It’s uplifting and spiritual to live near the ocean,” they said.

CANCER STRIKES AGAIN

But after her return, Charlie’s cancer came back. She has a reoccurrence of stage IV breast cancer, which has spread to her lymph nodes. It is metastatic. It is incurable. Today, the last session of chemotherapy is working its way out of her body and she is feeling a little better. But doctors say this last treatment wasn’t effective. By the time of this publication, the couple will have travelled to Boston for a second opinion, but Charlie has already decided she doesn’t want to go through chemo again.

“It completely takes you down. It’s exhausting. I don’t feel like myself,” she said. “I’m willing to listen to what they have to say. And we’ve talked about our needs, physically and spiritually.”

A typical appointment now is an all-day affair. By the time they get home, they are whipped, but their family, community, Unitarian Universalist church, and Casey Elena’s school have rallied in support. Together, they provide logistical help like preparing meals and watching their daughter. Charlie’s unit and her family readiness group have also helped.

“People have reached out with those really practical needs, but also on an emotional level,” they said. “The commitment we’ve made to each other is really strong and that carries us through.”

ADVOCATES FOR CHANGE

But despite the love, strength and support that exists for the Morgans, their biggest worry is that they could lose Charlie without resolution to the question of future support for her family, which Charlie has clearly earned through her service to the country.

Despite being legally married (and being the epitome of a loving, stable family in every way), Karen, who is a full-time, stay-at-home mom today, will not have the luxury of health insurance, Veterans Administration benefits, access to base, or social security that a straight couple in their situation would have if Charlie dies. Next year, Karen plans to begin teaching special education, having earned another degree to become the new breadwinner for the family.

Together, these benefits, known as “survivor benefits,” are the same things Charlie’s mother used to sustain her family when growing up after losing Charlie’s military father. Survivor benefits are a monthly allotment meant to help care for family in cases where a military spouse passes away during service or in retirement.

These benefits do not exist for gay and lesbian military families because DOMA prevents the Department of Defense from officially recognizing such relationships, effectively creating a two-tier system of benefits that divides gay and straight families.

Charlie took her story to Congress to advocate repeal of DOMA. When she met with her district’s congressman, Rep. Frank Guinta (R-NH), he wasn’t aware that gay couples were denied federal benefits. He had thought that because his state recognized same-sex marriage, military and federal employee spouses were entitled to the same benefits to which a straight couple in New Hampshire had access. But that’s not the case, and Charlie relayed to him her frustration with DOMA.

She then took her message directly to Speaker of the House John Boehner.

“I would like the Speaker to know, as a member of the Active Guard, that I laid my life on the line for my country,” said Charlie. “Now I need my country to protect and take care of my family. My wife and daughter face an uncertain future, unable to receive the same family support and services as our counterparts who render the same service, take the same risks, and make the same sacrifices. Time is of the essence.”

After a public status-check to Speaker Boehner’s office by the Huffington Post regarding Charlie’s request for an audience with him, she was able to personally deliver her message to his chief policy advisor, but not directly to the Speaker himself. The meeting went well, and she left behind a pamphlet for the Speaker with photos and information about her and her family.

Charlie’s former business students, with whom she left a positive, lasting impression, joined in the Morgans’ advocacy efforts, writing to Speaker Boehner’s office.

LAWSUIT

Because of Charlie’s cancer, the Morgans are one of the better-known co-plaintiffs among eight other couples in McLaughlin v. Panetta, a lawsuit filed on behalf of gay troops and veterans by the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network, pending before the District Court of Massachusetts.

Despite the Obama Administration’s refusal to defend DOMA in court, Republican leaders have spent more than $750,000 defending the law, and the Congressional Budget Office estimates that figure to soar to $1.5 million by the end of 2012.

Despite the ongoing litigation, their lawyers have advised that there are things the military can do to ease the burden, but they couldn’t comment further, given the ongoing legal proceedings.

Before entering this fight so publicly, the Morgans discussed it. “This was a family endeavor, and we support each other in it,” they said. “It needs to be done. It is an important issue in our life, but it reaches so far beyond our lives. There are other families out there who can’t speak openly because of where they live, their rank or other factors. We can speak, so we should.”

Time really is of the essence for the couple, given Charlie’s declining condition.

“We are optimistic that we’ll have a positive outcome, but the truth is we don’t know for sure,” they said. “We want to stay optimistic, enjoy life, and not take any moment for granted.”

To help pass the time, Karen and Charlie have worked on a memoir of their life and experiences, titled, “Personal Courage,” for which they are currently seeking a publishing agent.

For more on Charlie Morgan’s story, including photos, letters from friends, and a moving story about her trip to Hawaii, view the May/June issue of OutServe Magazine here.

Left: Ashley Broadway. Right: her wife, Lt.Col Heather Mack, and their son Carson

By David Small

After posting a response to an on-base club’s refusal to grant her membership, Ashley Broadway, wife of Army Lt. Col. Heather Mack, has been in the news, and now the Department of Defense General Counsel staffers are reviewing the situation.

While the Association of Bragg Officers’ Spouses at Fort Bragg, N.C., is a non-federal entity, they must adhere to certain DoD instructions if they want access to base facilities, according to Lt. Col. Todd Breasseale, spokesman for the DoD General Counsel’s office. “This is the sole legal framework around which the Department and its agencies exercise control over non-federal entities,” he said.

The specific instruction in question, though, has some interpretation problems. While it includes a non-discrimination clause, it does not reference sexual orientation, despite other federal family readiness programs inclusiveness.

Department of Defense Instruction 1000.15 states, “No person because of race, color, creed, sex, age, disability or national origin shall be unlawfully denied membership, unlawfully excluded from participation or otherwise subjected to unlawful discrimination by any non-federal entity or private organization covered by this instruction.”

The Fort Bragg club’s bylaws do adhere to the DoD instruction, however according to BuzzFeed, after the controversy, the group added the requirement to have a dependent military ID card to be granted membership.

The Defense of Marriage Act does not prohibit issuing a military ID card to legally married, same-sex spouses, according to a formal request by OutServe-SLDN to Leon Panetta, the Secretary of Defense, however the department has yet to respond.

According to the letter, “a military ID is required for on-base activities, and there is no statute preventing issuance of IDs to same-sex spouses. An ID would also allow the same-sex spouse to bring dependent children on base without being accompanied by the service member. The ability to bring a child to on-base services such as health care facilities is essential. Currently, DODI 1000.13 governs eligibility for ID cards, and should be updated to extend IDs to same-sex spouses.”

Other areas OutServe-SLDN have asked DoD to extend benefits to same-sex spouses include morale, welfare and recreation facilities, military family housing, commissary and exchange access, family programs, legal services, hospital visitation rights, joint duty assignments for dual-career military couples, exemptions from hostile-fire areas, command-sponsored dependent status and space-available travel, and spousal privilege in courts martial. 

“The Department is conducting a deliberative and comprehensive review of the possibility of extending eligibility for benefits, when legally permitted, to same-sex domestic partners,” spokesman Lt. Cmdr. Nate Christensen wrote in an email. “The benefits are being examined from a policy, fiscal, legal and feasibility perspective.”

That review has been ongoing since August 2011 when SLDN wrote Panetta. To date, DoD has refused to move on these suggestions and was unable to say where they were in the process of their review, or why it was taking more than a year.

“The Pentagon has dragged its feet on this issue for far too long, and it’s time for the Secretary to act. Situations like the one at Fort Bragg could be avoided if commanders were given the guidance they need to address these issues with consistency and equity. All it takes is the stroke of a pen,” said Army Veteran and OutServe-SLDN Executive Director Allyson Robinson.

“The facts here are simple: there is no legal need or justification for any spouse to be excluded from a group like this, which exists to provide support to the spouses and families of our military men and women and the communities they serve,” she said.

Though the organization operates on Fort Bragg with permission from the commanding general, the group is not formally affiliated with the military and is not required to bar membership to Broadway under DOMA. As a private, non-profit organization not governed by laws that apply to the federal government, OutServe-SLDN has established that there is no legal basis that would require same-sex military spouses to be excluded from the Association of Bragg Officers’ Spouses.

 “With programs such as these, which are not bound by a federal definition of marriage, commanders at all levels should use their influence to ensure all service members’ families are treated equally,” said Robinson.

Broadway’s open letter to the president of the Association of Bragg Officers’ Spouses was posted Dec. 10 to the American Military Partner Association’s website. Broadway has been with Mack for 15 years and married Nov. 10.

Her letter also references a similar incident at Little Rock Air Force Base where Tanisha Ward, wife of deployed Airman 1st Class Hensley, was denied access to the Little Rock Air Force Base Spouse’s Club.

Robinson said there are many such organizations on bases across the U.S. and around the world where same-sex families have been included and welcomed since the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in September 2011.

“Our Commander-in-Chief supports us; I was the first same-sex military spouse invited by the First Lady to attend her Mother’s Day Tea,” Broadway wrote. “We are a part of the face of this country’s future, and the White House, Pentagon, and many other posts are leaning forward to embrace this progression.”

While such clubs maintain their own charters, official family support programs, governed by Department of Defense instruction 1342.22, can support same-sex spouses and other unofficially sanctioned dependent family members.

This instruction states the family readiness system will “address the varied composition, cultural diversity, and demographics of service members and their families.”

“The Department knows that family support is critical to mission readiness and we value the service and sacrifices of each and every family member,” said Breasseale. “Unlike non-federal entities such as the various Officers’ Spouse Groups, the [Family Readiness System] is an officially sanctioned, service-governed entity that is inclusive of all family members identified by each individual service member, regardless of sexual orientation or marital status.”

According to a statement on the Fort Bragg club’s webpage, due to “recent interest in the membership requirements of our organization,” the club plans to discuss the issue at their next board meeting. “As an all-volunteer board during this busy holiday season, we request your patience in allowing us to properly address and review this membership issue while fulfilling our obligations to our current membership as well as to our families.” 

“‘Equality can wait’ has never been the answer, but that’s the message the club sent with this tepid and dismissive statement today,” Robinson said in a release today. “It’s certainly not the answer for Ashley Broadway or the families of gay and lesbian service members at Fort Bragg and on military installations across the country, who like all our men and women in uniform, need support during the holiday season perhaps more than any other time of the year. The group doesn’t need a meeting; Ashley clearly qualifies under its existing, approved bylaws. It simply needs to accept Ashley into its membership, and it should do so immediately.”

By David Small & Angelina Leger

Tucked away on the upper edge of the Horn of Africa, Djibouti is a young nation struggling to beat back the desert, poverty and hunger ravaging much of the continent. The locals walk the streets in leather sandals or barefoot, feet calloused and toughened by generations of hardship and hard work. If you’re headed to Africa in your military capacity, you may end up here. But the first time traveler to the region ought to consider Cape Town, a safari, and an overnight in Zambia to see Victoria Falls — one of the seven wonders of the world. Here, we take you out of the conflict zone and to these sites.

ON SAFARI

The African safari is one of the most sought after vacations on earth. View the “Battle of Kruger” on YouTube, a video shot by a tourist showing a pack of lions attacking a herd of buffalo, capturing a baby buffalo and then winning a tug of war with a crocodile over the calf only to be counterattacked by the buffalo herd, who rout the lions and rescue the baby.

Now, imagine seeing something so savage and raw in person. A leopard, perched in a tree, dines on an antelope it had just killed for breakfast. A pack of four cheetahs capture a grey duiker and rip off its limbs as it cries. Another leopard sits tall on a mound, its half-eaten warthog lunch, steps away.

These images were not on YouTube. They were 10 feet from our safari jeep. For those with softer hearts or weak stomachs, witnessing the cruelty of nature can be an emotional, gut-wrenching experience. For adventure seekers, being amid the inherent danger and thrill will get your blood pumping fast. For everybody, the majesty of being with these wild, ferocious and beautiful animals in their natural habitat, completely removed from society as you explore the birthplace of humanity, is a bucket list event.

Originally conceived to control hunting in 1898, Kruger National Park is an expansive, publicly conserved game reserve in South Africa. The fences came down in the early 1970s, allowing game to migrate between both public and private conserved areas.

The 65,000-hectare Sabi Sand is privately conserved land abutting the Greater Kruger National Park, located north of Swaziland between Mozambique and the South African state of Mpumalanga. The area is rich with wildlife, including the “big five”: rhino, lion, buffalo, leopard and elephant.

Sabi Sand also has a reputation for being the luxury South African safari destination, its lodges maintaining standards that compare to the best resorts in the world. It is a place where the rich and famous mingle with adventure travelers who enjoy style, grace and uncompromising elegance. The most famous of the lux lodges are Singita and Londolozi.While costs can be exorbitant, the experience is the greater value. There are a few different ways to go on an African safari. One can follow the herd as animals migrate, hopping from lodge to lodge with porters who run ahead delivering luggage to the next overnight, self-serve camp. Or, one can thoroughly immerse in a single place, seeing all there is to see around one area. Rhino Africa set us up with the latter at what is one of the premier properties with which they do business: Chitwa Chitwa.

After the grueling logistics to get as far away from society as possible, we arrived in the dead of night at Chitwa Chitwa, a romantic, luxurious retreat in the heart of Sabi Sand.

Reborn from the ashes of a devastating fire a few years ago, the opulent yet unpretentious lodge was named for an old giraffe bull residing there when the lodge was simply a family retreat for its owners, the Brinks.

The lodge has eight guest suites, all outfitted with private wading pools that overlook the largest perennial lake in the area. The lake is populated with hippos, and crocs, with the occasional elephant herd passing by. Artwork throughout the lodge is primarily personal creations by Maria Brink, the owner. Décor brings the outside in and is firmly grounded with an Africa-meets-Italy chic, juxtaposed with stonework, thatch, wood and glass.

Chitwa Chitwa is managed by two couples who live on site and rotate responsibilities. Rocker-turned-hospitality expert Natalee Whittington sat down with OutServe Magazine to talk about what it’s like living in the bush.

“There’s an old stigma, but we’ve gotten a lot better since the new South Africa came into being,” Whittington said. “There are not lions running around in the street. We have electricity, running water and air conditioners.” She described the darkness and the stars at night while we sipped Nelson Mandela’s favorite wine, Vin de Constance, from the lodge’s extensive wine cellar. “There’s no dogs barking or sirens. Just the sounds of hippos honking,” she said.

Chitwa Chitwa is family friendly—both kinds of family. Most lodges don’t allow children under 12, and Whittington said the lodge is open to diverse clientele, including gays and lesbians.

All agree the best reason to visit Sabi Sand over other spots is the leopards. Tristan Dicks, a Chitwa Chitwa safari guide, said guides connected by radio track animals and find interesting situations to observe out in the bush. Sabi Sand is purportedly the benchmark location for the most experienced guides to work.

“Botswana, the Okavango Delta and East Africa during migration are other good safari locations,” Dicks said.

After four game drives over three days, the only animal among the big five we missed was a rhino. Dicks said the hardest animals to find are aardvark and pangolin, but the fact we saw cheetah, wild dog and a honey badger is rare. Dicks, who has worked at other lodges, said Chitwa Chitwa has a more social atmosphere than most, and that the nearby dam is a huge asset providing a permanent water source.

From the lodge’s expansive outdoor common space, he has seen all big five in one day, wild dog, a leopard on the deck, and cheetah and lion kills.
Every day on the game drives and bushwalks, we observed, learned and connected with nature. In between activities, the lodge provided a quiet, sumptuous retreat to recover from the emotional stir of witnessing the circle of life. Sundowner in hand, we raised a toast to our hosts, Rhino Africa, for guiding us through these seemingly fantastical memories.

GETTING THERE: THE COMPLEXITIES OF AFRICAN LOGISTICS

Sunset cruise on the Zambezi River straddling the border of Zimbabwe and Zambia

Our representative at Rhino Africa worked with South African Airways to schedule our complex itinerary, a task we couldn’t have done easily ourselves. The downside to not knowing all our options and doing the research ourselves, however, became apparent on the flight over.

We departed Washington-Dulles squeezed into steerage on a dated Airbus 340, uncomfortably seated in our 19 inch seat with a metaphorical chicken in our laps. The flight was 18 hours and included a stop in Senegal halfway through to refuel. In the future, opt for the direct New York flight.

Like Carrie Bradshaw, we wanted to arrive stunning and impossibly fresh looking— impossible given the torturous flight. So as they say in the Book of Mormon musical’s Uganda—hasa diga eebowai.

We arrived in September, the first week of their spring. Temperatures were moderate and chilly in the early morning. Any earlier in the year, we’d have hit their rainy season. Any later in the year, we’d have had to deal with heat and mosquitos. It was the perfect time to go.

The logistics of getting to a worthy destination in Africa are something to behold. The Jo’burg stop was simply out of necessity. The industrial  area where we stayed was geared toward the overnight guest. Having said that, the D’Oreale Grande Hotel was lovely and welcoming.

The next morning, we were onto another flight. By the time we arrived in Livingstone, Zambia, we had been traveling for three days and had seen nothing but airport. Most people either hop to Victoria Falls on their way in or out of their travels, an easy stop.

The view of the falls from Zimbabwe is prettier, but requires a second entry visa back to Zambia. The Zambian side of the falls has a handful of river lodges along the Zambezi River and a number of sleeping options in downtown Livingstone. Heading to Zambia, by the way, requires a yellow fever shot and a suggested malaria regimen.

An hour’s drive from Livingstone, much on bumpy dirt roads, found us at the Royal Chundu River Lodge for the night, enjoying an evening cruise on the Zambezi River. After soaking up the colorful sunset and South African wine, we enjoyed a traditional African dinner in the boma before heading off to our huts for the night.

With the mosquito net down over the bed and the patio wall open allowing the chilly African air into our rooms, I finally had a good sleep. Beware, however, of the monkeys if you sleep with the windows open.

After seeing the majesty that was Victoria Falls, it was onto another flight. Don’t expect posh lounges and duty free shopping at Gucci in these smaller airports. Likewise, don’t expect much in the way of security either. One security screener asked another tourist for a cigarette upon seeing them in her bag in the scanner.

Another puddle-jump later, we arrived in Nelspruit, South Africa. We were headed to Sabi Sand, the private game reserve made up of private homes, farms and commercial lodges that share a border with Kruger National Park.

Unable to fly a charter after dark to Sabi Sand’s unlit dirt runways, we traded a 20-minute flight for a three-hour drive, much of which was, again, on bumpy dirt roads.

On safari we stayed off the grid at Chitwa Chitwa. Cell phone service was sparse in the bush and Wi-Fi nonexistent. Be wary of signing up for an international cell plans as companies in South Africa don’t partner with the likes of AT&T and others. Look at a trip such as this as an opportunity to escape.

The staff at Chitwa Chitwa were gracious hosts and always in contact with our consultants

Leaving safari, we went to Cape Town, where we enjoyed the convenience of being back on the grid at MannaBay, a luxurious guesthouse owned by the same folks as Rhino Africa. Other overnight options in Cape Town include all the normal hotels of any big city, and getting around town was easy with our guides from Rhino Tripping or the abundant, albeit seemingly unregulated, taxis.

Departing Cape Town to get back to D.C. meant our 10th plane in as many days. While every second of the trip was monumentally worth the effort, Africa can be a logistical nightmare. Without the care and feeding by our friends at Rhino Africa, we would have had the stress of planning a very complicated trip. We highly endorse the services of a local company as being an imperative when traveling to Africa.

We would like to point out that as unpleasant as the 18-hour flight was from D.C. to Johannesburg, South African Airways (SAA) did what they could to make it as comfortable as possible, given the seats and route we selected (pick your seats wisely, they get more narrow toward the rear of the plane). After voicing our concerns following the first flight, their attentive staff gave us complimentary access to their business lounge. While customers should not have to voice discontent to receive good service, SAA did make amends in the end. It should be noted that the remaining eight legs of the journey, mostly intracontinental, were pleasant. Convenience being the key in air travel, it’s easy to see why SAA is the official airline of the Rainbow Nation.

CAPE TOWN!

After a few days living extravagantly and off the grid on our safari, we were ready for city life once again. Our trip brought us to the southwest end of South Africa, Cape Town, a city where extreme beauty and opulence have endured the country’s years of political turmoil.

No such site in Cape Town reminds people daily of the changing nation than Robben Island, visible from most spots around town. Originally a leper colony, this island housed a notorious prison, once the keep for South Africa’s first democratically elected president, Nelson Mandela. The prison is now a museum accessible via a ferry. Plan your visit when you have a full day, due to limited space and a ferry schedule that can change.

Other reminders of the socioeconomic turmoil plaguing the nation are the various townships throughout the city, vestiges of Apartheid. They are a distinctly different side to Cape Town that should not be skipped. We visited two, Langa and Imizamo Yethu. As we passed through by car, residents encouraged us to take pictures, but not from the car as if they were animals in a zoo. Time permitting, we highly recommend a walk through a township with a smart guide, like our Leon or John, to educate you on the politics of the country and the inconceivable policies that have kept the township residents in squalor for so long.

An orange-breasted sunbird, indigenous to the Cape peninsula of South Africa, sits atop a pin cushion protea flower, related to the King Protea national flower of South Africa, in Kirstenbosch Botanical Gardens, where tourists and locals alike gather on a warm spring day.

Rhino Tripping, owned by our hosts at Rhino Africa, took charge of our stay in Cape Town. We went to Table Mountain, a world heritage site and one of the new seven wonders of nature. Centered squarely in Cape Town, Table Mountain forms part of the Table Mountain National Park. Approached via a cableway, it gives you the best views of the peninsula in all four directions and a view of two oceans.

The view on one side looks over the winelands where a booming viticulture industry has made its way to the international market. In between every cove and crevice carved by Lion’s Head and the 12 Apostles (two other mountain formations) are suburbs and villages of Cape Town waiting to be explored.

For the balance of the day, we toured the Iziko South African History Museum and the National Art Gallery surrounding the Company Gardens, and took a walk past Parliament.

Our second day trip brought us around Hout Bay, Seal Island and along Chapman’s Peak Drive, which felt like driving Highway 1 in California. The spectacular scenic route winds its way along the coast, with Fynbos-covered mountains on one side and the crashing waves of an azure Atlantic on the other. We drove through Cape Point Nature Reserve, seeing wild ostrich, eland (the largest antelope in the world) and cheeky baboons. We stopped at the old lighthouse on Cape Point and at the Cape of Good Hope, where the Atlantic and Indian oceans meet (at least that’s what they say to tourists—the oceans actually meet up the coast a ways). We paused for lunch in Simonstown, where we witnessed Boulders penguin colony on the beach, home to African penguins. A good way to see the 3,000 African penguins is from a wooden boardwalk at Foxy Beach. There is no other place you can get this close to a colony of breeding penguins, whether by walking, swimming or boating.

Also in Simonstown lies South Africa’s modern but dilapidated fleet of Naval vessels. Bought in a political deal, there isn’t enough money to maintain them. While the pirating epidemic doesn’t reach as far down as Cape Town, South Africa’s military does participate in policing the seas.

Cape Town has a good week’s worth of activities for the traditional tourist. The Victoria and Alfred Waterfront is home to a number of restaurants, an aquarium and Old Biscuit Mill Market. Kirstenbosch Botanical Gardens lets visitors see things indigenous only to South Africa, like the stunning varietals of protea, including the King Protea, South Africa’s national flower.

A good way to see the 3,000 African penguins of Boulders penguin colony in Simonstown is from a wooden boardwalk at Foxy Beach. There is no other place you can get this close to a colony of breeding penguins.

A day trip to Stellenbosch, Paarl and Franschhoek, known for their noble cultivars of cabernet sauvignon, chardonnay and sauvignon blanc, will allow sampling of the finest wines in the Cape Winelands.

Our home for the duration was MannaBay, a lavish boutique hotel owned by the founders of Rhino Africa. In the heart of Cape Town’s affluent City Bowl neighborhood and blocks from the Cape Peninsula University of Technology Rugby Club—the second oldest in the nation—MannaBay sets the bar for contemporary luxury. It has only seven suites, and guests indulge in an intimate experience and roam the full expanse of large anterooms, ornate lounges and a quiet library. A small wading pool and a stocked bar overlooking the Atlantic beyond a glittering cityscape offer you a way to cool off and relax after a day of touring. The team there makes you feel quite at home, as if you’re simply visiting a friend’s house for the weekend. Settle in with a good book or DVD copy of The Lion King.

When asking a Cape Townian where to go out for a night of gay debauchery, we often received a response that indicated how much the city is intermingled. With a constitution only 15 years old, inclusive of same-sex marriage, the nightlife tends to be quite mixed.

As one local put it, “Cape Town is extremely gay friendly, and you may not actually find a gay bar per se. Rather you’ll be accepted anywhere in the city. Be who you are. Cape Town is one of the greatest holiday destinations in the world.” Another local I spoke with shunned the idea of businesses marketing to solely a gay clientele as obsolete in today’s inclusive South Africa.

Having said that, there’s still a gayborhood in Cape Town. The De Waterkant District in the Green Point area tends to have a high concentration of gay folks for nightlife activities. To residents, it is simply the village.

Recommendations from locals were plentiful in this friendly city. For understated, civilized gay appeal, check out Alexander Bar. For burgers with sexy male waiters and campy drag, visit Beefcakes. If you’re more into clubbing and cruising, check out Crew Bar or Beulah. There are other options as well, but these were the most talked about.

A number of local restaurants cater to the discerning foodie. Café Paradiso is one we checked out, with its scrumptious food and flowing wine. Impress the in-laws at the Greenhouse with its top-class, creative meals. Sniff sea air and clink glasses among yuppies over Mediterranean dishes  at Bungalow. At what is by far the best chain restaurant I’ve ever experienced, one can start “turning Japanese” with the opulent tasting menu at Nobu on the waterfront. Manna Epicure is the choice for a morning break over coffee or for ladies who lunch. Meat being one of the preferred dishes of the country, visit Carne SA in the City Bowl. The slow-baked lamb shoulder ravioli is revered.

A night out on “The Platinum Mile” of Camps Bay feels a bit like walking the strip in Miami Beach, with trendy cocktail bars and restaurants spilling onto the sidewalk across the street from the white sand of the Atlantic Ocean. This is an area for the bold and beautiful to meander. While not distinctly gay, the vibe was perfect for a sundowner—and where there’s alcohol and a beach, there’s bound to be a few men holding hands. Grab a bite at Codfather for some fresh fish, then hit the bars on the strip.

If you’re looking for more of a “gay beach,” the place to go is Clifton Third Beach, with its powdery sand dotted with boulders and oiled-up, muscled men in Speedos. Be in tip-top shape or feel completely inadequate. The nude beach frequented by gays and lesbians is Sandy Bay, but it’s a hike. There are plenty of other beaches in Cape Town, as diverse as the city. Ride horses on Long Beach, go surfing on Witsands, pretend you’re James Bond or Jinx Johnson coming out of the water in Hout Bay, or check out the lighthouse in Milnerton.

The juxtaposition of wealth to poverty, government graft to their inclusive-of-gays constitution, and unmatched beauty and nature to the squalid conditions of the townships, plus a world-class wine region and two oceans, make Cape Town one of the most intriguing places either of us have visited, a fascinating and satisfying destination to explore.

Nelson Mandela said once, in order to feed a nation, first you have to feed and educate its children.

People generally don’t travel to Africa for its history or architecture; it’s for the wildlife. So, with the South African government bogged down in socioeconomic problems, lacking the political will and resources to protect the country’s wildlife, many in the private-sector travel industry have stepped up to ensure the country’s greatest asset is protected.

“At Rhino Africa, we believe that tourism to Africa doesn’t need to leave a dirty carbon footprint, but rather, if done correctly, it can help uplift communities, conserve wildlife and alleviate poverty,” said Rhino Africa’s marketing manager, Ross Bowers. “We believe passionately in giving back to the communities, landscapes and wildlife that make Africa such an incredible tourist destination.”

With the company’s namesake endangered, Rhino Africa works extensively to save the rhino from extinction and to put an end to poaching in Africa. The horns of a rhino are worth more than gold. Catchy signs reading “Just let me be horny in peace” held by supporters plastered South Africa’s Parliament grounds for World Rhino Day Sept. 22 to bring light to the poaching problem. The country has 381 fewer rhinos this year than last. To put that in perspective, 50 years ago, more than 750,000 rhinos resided in Africa. Today, less than 20,000 white rhino and less than 5,000 black rhino remain.

“The demise of the wildlife has been phenomenal,” said David Ryan, founder of Rhino Africa.

The company is also heavily involved in supporting rural communities with an end goal of getting those communities to help protect wildlife.

“With the legacy of apartheid, rural communities on the fringes of private land don’t see the benefit of you going to stay at a five-star luxury lodge, which is why we are particular about which lodge we’ll sell,” said Ryan. “I make sure they all have a strong social responsibility and community-based commitment. The people who live on the fringes of these reserves have to see a benefit, or they’re not going to see a reason to protect it.”

Staying at Chitwa Chitwa, we took advantage of visiting the rural town of Dixie on the outskirts of Sabi Sand, which receives support from The Chitwa Trust, a charity for patrons to funnel support through. In Dixie, we witnessed extreme poverty. The day care, Wisani, was filled with 50  children, all under 4 years old, all orphaned from AIDS or parents forced to leave to find work. The squalor struck at our hearts, inspiring those in the tour group to pledge help.

Two of the many charities Rhino Africa supports are the Wildlife Act Fund, www.wildlifeactfund.com, and The Good Work Foundation,  www.goodworkfoundation.org.

The Wildlife Act Fund focuses on research and development, doing work with rhinos and wild dogs. “We’ve worked with NASA to track  [animals], and we provide free endangered species monitoring on private land, ensuring endangered species are protected through volunteers,” said Ryan.

The Good Work Foundation does all the people stuff, he said. They have a day care orphanage in Khayelitsha and work other capital development projects.

“There’s a nice balance between people and wildlife,” said Ryan. “The reality is for wildlife to survive, people have to look after them. So you have to educate and train the youth coming through. Nelson Mandela said once, in order to feed a nation, first you have to feed and educate its children.”

<< Back to Let’s Go! South Africa

<< Back to Let’s Go! South Africa

West Point (Nov. 24, 2012) Army 1st Lt. Ellen Schick married Shannon Simpson in an intimate ceremony here at the Old Cadet Chapel in the first LGBT wedding at West Point since the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

WEST POINT, N.Y. (Dec. 1, 2012) —While the rest of the country awaits a decision by the Supreme Court on which Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) case it will hear, West Point was atwitter with love today, having hosted its second lesbian couple to legally marry on the hallowed military grounds within a week—the first same-sex weddings at the U.S. Military Academy since New York legalized same-sex marriage last year.

Brenda S. “Sue” Fulton wed her partner of 17 years, Penelope Dara Gnesin, in the Academy’s cathedral-like Cadet Chapel during a traditional ceremony Dec. 1.

Nov. 24, after three years together, Army 1st Lt Ellen Schick, who works at Keller Army Community Hospital at West Point, married Shannon Simpson in an intimate ceremony with a handful of close friends and relatives at West Point’s older, original cadet chapel, built in 1836. The two Pennsylvania natives were unaware of their status as the first gay couple to marry at West Point until they connected with Sue.

“Ellen is very proud to serve her country and wanted a Military wedding,” Shannon told OutServe Magazine. “We felt that we should be allowed the same opportunity to marry on a military post as any heterosexual military couple.”

For the Fulton-Gneslin wedding, the significance of the location dates back further.

“West Point holds special significance to both me and Penny,” said Sue, a 1980 graduate and presidential appointee to its Board of Visitors. “From the time I was a cadet, what West Point stands for – integrity, leadership, selfless service – have been my touchstones. When Penny and I worked on ending ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ we kept coming back to the core value of integrity, and that’s what made a difference. To be able to legalize our union here, especially at the Cadet Chapel, is really important to us.”

West Point (Dec. 1, 2012) Sue Fulton and Penny Gneslin, the first LGBT couple to marry in the U.S. Military Academy Cadet Chapel go through the saber arch provided by members of OutServe, Knights Out, USMA’s Spectrum, and one straight ally. Four Army lieutenants and four West Point Cadets formed the arch. Photos by Jeff Sheng

The two pioneers in LGBT military rights had planned to marry in their home state of New Jersey when their state assembly passed a marriage equality bill, however, Gov. Chris Christie vetoed the measure, forcing the couple to rethink plans.

“I just didn’t want to wait any longer,” said Sue, who proposed over the summer. The couple had held a commitment ceremony in 1999, though it held no legal significance. “I still hope that our home state will recognize marriage equality, but Penny—as strong as she is—is a breast cancer survivor, and has been dealing with Multiple Sclerosis for more than ten years. We cannot wait for a governor who thinks everyone should get to vote on whether, after 17 years together, we are really married.”

Despite Penny’s health challenges, Sue says it doesn’t affect their relationship.

“Many people see Penny and focus on her disability, but I don’t see it anymore,” said Sue. “Instead, I just delight in the cockeyed way she sees life. What’s important to us is laughter. I am a very mercurial person; Penny’s spirituality and unique view of the world always bring me back to center.”

Their service was mostly traditional, though Penny’s Jewish heritage was reflected by sounding the Shofar, a symbolic call to gather people for a momentous occasion.

Walking down the aisle together, following their two attendants, they had two friends help Penny from her trusty scooter onto the raised nave and into a chair for the balance of the service.

Tears were seen on many cheeks as each answered the question, “Will you have this woman to be your spouse…” Each vowed to one another, “No matter what may come, I pledge to stand by you. I promise to respect your unique talents and abilities, and your journey. I promise to be true to you, and to my own path. Now we stand together; may it always be so.”

Heard often at weddings, and cited here was the Book of Ruth, “Wherever you go I will go, and wherever you stay I will stay…” Overlooked by many, however, is the fact this phrase was said by Ruth as she clung tightly to another woman, Naomi—making the phrase all the more special for a marriage between two women.

Music being a focal point in their lives, Sue and Penny entertained onlookers by joining the chorus, Giving Voice, during their ceremony. Sue took the solo, and Penny, who directs two women’s choruses, directed the song “Welcome Table.” Hijacking the chorus, not unsurprising for the mischievous pair, was a nod to how they met in 1995 during a community sing. Seventeen years ago, Penny, director of a local community chorus, attended a local event with singer-songwriter Carolyn McDade. While most of the participants sang melody, Sue’s contralto harmony caught Penny’s ear and ultimately brought the two to meet. Penny was in charge of selecting all organ music for the wedding, filling the church from one of the largest pipe organs in the world.

While their God-daughter served as the ring bearer, Unitarian Universalist Minister Vanessa Southern, their home church’s pastor, co-officiated with Episcopalian Chaplain (Col.) J. Wesley Smith, the senior Army chaplain at Dover Air Force Base, Delaware. Smith oversees the dignified return of Soldiers killed in action to the military mortuary there.

The wedding ceremony included the customary military tribute of an arch of sabers through which the couple passed, smiles on their faces. The image of walking out of her wedding through arched swords at the Cadet Chapel was something Cadet Fulton had dreamed of 35 years previous. Four Army lieutenants and four West Point cadets made up the arch, straight and LGBT members of Spectrum, Knights Out, and OutServe-SLDN. The Schick-Simpson wedding also included the traditional saber arch.

At the reception, held at the historic Thayer Hotel, Sue jokingly thanked Penny “for giving (her) one more chance… to be the center of attention,” and directed the focus briefly on the LGBT movement’s marriage equality agenda.

“Everyone here, directly or indirectly, has been part of this movement, to acknowledge the full humanity of gay, lesbian, bi, trans, and queer people. I’m honored, because you know that the movement is about this. It’s about love. It was always about love.”

Despite now being legally wed, the two face difficulties that their straight, married counterparts do not have to endure.

“We’re selling a house right now, which will have tax implications to us even though we both own it—we are not viewed as married in the eyes of the law,” said Sue. Although she is fortunate to work for a pharmaceutical company which offers benefits for same-sex partners, those benefits are taxable while the same benefits for married couples are not.

“We’re always conscious that if the worst happens, we aren’t married in the eyes of the government. We have taken the extra measures necessary to protect ourselves legally,” said Sue. “But even then there will be an extra tax liability. We’re lucky compared to the Soldiers we serve, because we’ve had time and the means to protect ourselves. People like [Army Warrant Officer] Charlie Morgan are relying on the military to protect their families when they die, and that protection isn’t there.”

Morgan, a member of the New Hampshire National Guard, is dealing with end-stage cancer. She and her wife are plaintiffs in a lawsuit against DOMA.

Sue, 53, works at a pharmaceutical company in New Jersey, and is a presidentially-appointed member of the Board of Visitors of the U.S. Military Academy at West Point. She serves as Board member of OutServe-SLDN, an organization supporting lesbian, gay, transgender, and bisexual military service members and veterans. She graduated from West Point in the first class to include women, and was honorably discharged from the Army at the rank of captain.

She is the daughter of Benjamin D. and Clara Bevis Fulton of Lakeland, FL. Her father, a Navy veteran, was a teacher at Martin County High School. Her mother, who is also retired, was the first female principal at Martin County High School.

Penny, 52, is a holistic healer and director of the women’s choir, Giving Voice. She graduated from Rutgers University and is medically retired from AT&T.

She is a daughter of Oscar and Sylvia Katz Gnesin of Long Branch, N.J., both deceased. Her mother was a history teacher and an attorney for the local teachers’ union. Her father worked as an electrical engineer for the U.S. government.

Giving Voice, a women’s a cappella chorus, was founded by Penny 18 months ago, and is based at the Universal Unitarian Congregation of Monmouth County, Lincroft, N.J.  Giving Voice was joined by three members of Olympia’s Daughters, founded and directed by Penny from 1989 to 2009.

The couple is postponing their honeymoon until next year.

Commentary By David Small

Staff Sgt. Donna R. Johnson, 29, of Raeford, N.C., a lesbian soldier from the North Carolina Army National Guard, was posthumously promoted. She is survived by her wife, Tracy Dice. She died Oct. 1 in Khost, Afghanistan, after a suicide bomber attacked her patrol. Sgts. Thomas J. Butler, IV, and Jeremy F. Hardison also died in the attacks. These three Americans were assigned to the 514th Military Police Company, 60th Troop Command, Winterville, N.C. The Department of Defense announced this information Oct. 3 via a press release, as they do with all casualties.

Reviewing the case, many of the notification procedures involving an LGBT spouse should have gone differently, but this may have been gross bureaucratic oversight rather than blatant discrimination as the media has portrayed it. Regardless, things need to change and LGBT service members need to be very diligent in maintaining their records.

The much criticized Defense of Marriage Act has guaranteed Tracy won’t have access to survivor benefits, nor any of the other things the military does for family members of our fallen—necessary support both financially and otherwise. That’s the legal side. I don’t think it’s fair. It’s not equal. It makes my heart hurt. But I get it. It’s law. It’ll eventually be made right, I hope and pray. Just not in time to help Tracy now, today.

Fortunately those around Tracy, within Sgt. Johnson’s command and their community, are treating Tracy as any other military spouse should be treated on a personal level, without regard to officially recognizing their marriage, according to the American Military Partners Association (AMPA). And Tracy is well connected to AMPA should she need any referrals for support and assistance.

As a matter of fact, once the Army realized the situation, Tracy was allowed to escort her wife’s remains home and gave her time to manage their affairs. Bravo to her command who did more than legally required by treating Tracy respectfully.

But there’s another side of this process that could have caused the situation to be much worse. There are many lines on checklists, procedures and forms that could have made Sgt. Johnson’s tragic death even more unnecessarily horrible. I refuse to believe there is an ugly little man behind the curtain at DoD pushing buttons and grinding levers to actively block gay and lesbian couples from being treated the same during things as sacrosanct as notifying the next of kin or releasing whom a Soldier is survived by.

Instead, I believe DoD has not yet caught up with much of the administrative implications of repealing “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” It is time to fix this and we, as OutServe-SLDN Members, need to help.

“Even though there is no place for the Army to officially recognize a relationship status in an official sense, there is nothing that stops the Soldier from providing a copy of the marriage license to the company personnel NCO or to their commander,” said Tracey Hepner a co-founder of the Military Partners and Families Coalition.

Doing so does not change the legal standing on a national level, but provides credibility to any future claim of recognizing the relationship.

“We must highlight that recognition for benefits and recognition for dignity are not the same thing,” Hepner said. “Denying benefits doesn’t obligate anyone to deny dignity concerning how the Soldier defined the relationship, as evidenced by a marriage certificate issued legally by a state.”

Robert Johnson in Business Insider’s story “When This Woman Was Killed In Combat It Exposed How The Government Really Treats Same-Sex Spouses,” wrote, “And perhaps most striking of all is that when the suicide bomber ripped through that Afghan market October 1 killing her wife, Tracy had to hear about it second-hand, because the Army refused to acknowledge her as the primary next of kin.”

I can’t confirm that’s true, but if it is, it is a gross and unforgivable oversight. I do wish I knew whether Sgt. Johnson had the forethought to update her DD Form 93 to ensure Tracy Dice was on the Army’s radar.

“The DD Form 93 must speak for service members beyond the grave and defend their families when they are no longer able to do so,” Hepner said.

Having been on the receiving end of a Marine colonel and chaplain coming to Camp Lejeune High School to tell me my father had been shot down over Iraq nearly 22 years ago (and the countless press releases of Airmen killed in action that I processed and released from the Air Force’s media operations desk) has instilled in me the importance of the casualty notification process. There is no room for error, especially now, with the shift in policy allowing media to cover dignified transfer ceremonies with family approval.

Defense spokeswoman Cynthia Smith explained the process of what happens after the primary next of kin is notified. There is a 24-hour period after next-of-kin notification before DoD releases a name. However, that period is waived if the primary next of kin approves media coverage of the member’s dignified transfer.

If there’s not going to be media coverage, then the 24-hour clock starts after everybody listed on the DD Form 93 has been notified.

The Business Insider story also details another slight to Tracy. She wasn’t listed in the initial reports as surviving her wife, as were the other two Guardsmen’s wives. Why? Nowhere in any DoD personnel system is a line of text identifying a legally married same-sex spouse.

“You can only give out what is in an official record under the Privacy Act. Under her record, as far as the military is concerned, there was no record of her as having a spouse,” Lt. Col. Robert Carver, the public affairs officer for the North Carolina National Guard, said when asked why Sgt. Johnson’s wife wasn’t listed in media reports.

How would the local unit even know Tracy exists if she’s not in the record as Sgt. Johnson’s wife?

We can’t let something like this happen because of a line on a form. No law should be able to tell anybody who their kin is. All our service members should be able to tell DoD who they want notified, in what order, and what names to release as survivors. It is the very least—very least—we can do to honor their last wishes.

This seemingly simple and logical course of action has nothing to do with a person’s sexuality. There are plenty of heterosexual folks who would probably object to who their legal next of kin are as well.

These days, reading the Early Bird, DoD’s news clip site, is like reading a gossip rag at the grocery store checkout counter or watching Tampa(ssion), the soap opera. Today, The Wall Street Journal outlined Gen. David Petraeus’s last days at the helm of the Central Intelligence Agency, delving into how his relationship with his boss took a contentious turn after the Libya clash and his revealing extramarital affair. The Baltimore Sun localized Gen. John Allen’s flirtatious emails with the other woman in the Petraeus scandal by talking about his time at the Naval Academy there. And it goes on and on. I, personally, am not soaking it up like bread to gravy, although I don’t mind the shirtless photo of FBI agent Fredrick Humphries that has somehow entered the fray.

Thinking on the issue, it struck me funny today that these headlines are impossible for the LGBT community, given we technically can’t have extramarital affairs. When the Defense of Marriage Act falls, and we are afforded to act the fool in such a manner, what exactly will the headlines be?

Speaking in support of repealing “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” Army Brig. Gen. Michael Silva, president-elect of the Reserve Officers Association at the time, told a room full of reserve officers in 2011 that as a commander in Iraq, he had more problems with heterosexuals than he did with homosexuals. I laughed in resignation at the obvious irony. His statement has stuck with me since. Given today’s headlines, it makes me wonder when our community will show its backside in such a way.

As a public affairs officer, I’ve seen too many incidents to be so naïve as to think there won’t be some idiot gay do something stupid and make headlines to the likes of what Gen. Petraeus is enduring today. It’s not a giant leap. In the midst of the Petraeus scandal stealing headlines, the Air Force quietly released its report in the wake of the Lackland sex scandal. It’s not hard to believe an alternate reality where the Lackland scandal could have been charged by same-sex trainees against their military training instructors.

The military is a microcosm of society, so buffoonery is coming. It is inevitable. Somebody in the LGBT community will do something stupid, leaving a black mark for all of us. It will be public, and right-wingers will blow it far higher out of proportion than is remotely necessary.

Our first major chance to do something stupid was in Orlando at OutServe’s International Leadership Conference last month. I was bracing myself, honestly. What better place to screw up monumentally (and very publicly) than at a military facility—Shades of Green resort—at a conference that some were even able to get to on military orders. But we didn’t. The public orgies didn’t occur. There were no rampant displays of sexual hedonism between officers and enlisted. There was nothing but professionalism, save one ill-advised, albeit trendy, evening reception outfit.

A good thing, too, because I was still working on the right tailhook/catchphrasegate name to dub it. We need to be ready, so I’m taking suggestions on the name.

To mitigate the reach and effect when it does happen, though, the LGBT military community ought to hold itself to the strictest standards. Freddie’s Beach Bar, the only gay bar in Northern Virginia, won’t give out a free sip of liquor for winning drag bingo because giving out free liquor violates Virginia law—despite the fact the mainstream bar next door gives away whole bar tabs if you win their trivia night. Freddie’s holds itself to the letter of the law because, as a gay establishment, the owner feels it is still open to the bias and subjectivity of potential bigoted enforcement authorities seeking to make an example of them.

Likewise, we should also abide by the letter of the law. We must stay vigilant. We must police ourselves. We must remain the model of military decorum. I would even argue we must attempt to exceed standards. But I’m not going to preach. Instead, I’ll just reference the book of one of my favorite plays, Sordid Lives.

(Latrelle sits on the chair by the couch and cries)

LA VONDA. They say she never suffered.

(Sissy crosses and joins La Vonda on the Couch.)

SISSY. Well, I just think that Sister just felt so cooped up all those years with your Daddy. You know how he was. She just, you know, had needs.

LATRELLE. Needs?

LA VONDA. Yes, needs, Latrelle. Some of us have needs. It runs in this family. Although, I’m quite convinced it musta skipped a gene or something when you was born.

LATRELLE. I have needs too, I’ll have you know. I just don’t make them public. My needs are kept in the privacy of my own bedroom!

SISSY. Well, I don’t recall any of mine being made in a public place, Latrelle.

LA VONDA. (Suggestively.) Unfortunately, I can’t say the same.

SISSY. (Laughing.) Oh, you are awful.

LAVONDA. Guilty.

(SISSY’s cigarette cough returns as they share a laugh.)

LATRELLE. Our one and only Mama has died by tripping over two wooden legs and hitting her head on the sink of a seedy motel room where she was committing adultery! And you all are laughing! Well, I don’t think it’s funny!

——-

So with that, I suggest you take a cue from Sissy and keep your needs private and by the book. And by the book, I mean UCMJ…lest you be the LGBT Patraeus, hung out with the wash to dry in the public’s limelight, ruining it for the rest of us.

Baltimore, Md. —

The Out & Equal Workplace Awards — known as the “Outies” — recognize individuals and organizations who are leaders in advancing equality for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people in workplaces across the world.

The award recognizes a particular ERG, sometimes referred to as a business group or network, with an exemplary track record of leadership in advocating for LGBT equal rights over the past year. Other finalists for were ERGs from IBM Canada, Morgan Stanley, and Wells Fargo.

“It’s an honor to accept this award on behalf of six thousand LGBT service members who make up OutServe. I’m so proud of the organization we began while still serving in silence and have built to the largest LGBT Employee Resource Group in the country. More than that, I’m excited about the future, as I move to the position of Board Co-Chair of our newly combined organization, OutServe-SLDN, and we bring on a new Executive Director,” said Josh Seefried, co-founder and previously co-director of OutServe.

Seefried, who now serves as co-chair of the board of directors of OutServe-SLDN, introduced Allyson Robinson, named last week to lead the new organization as its first Executive Director as it was announced the planned combination of OutServe and Servicemembers Legal Defense Network (SLDN) was set to be finalized.

“As an Army veteran and a veteran of this movement, I am humbled by the daily sacrifice of soldiers, sailors, airmen, Marines, and Coast Guardsmen who not only serve the country they love, but chose to do so despite the extraordinary burden of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’ I am so proud of the role OutServe and SLDN played in putting an end to that law once and for all,” said Robinson, who went on to focus her remarks on the work ahead to achieve full LGBT equality in the military.

“LGBT service members still carry extraordinary burdens. They fight for our freedoms while their family members still do not have the benefits that straight military spouses have. They don’t have Equal Opportunity protections. Our trans brothers and sisters still serve in silence, barred from legal, open service. And our veterans still carry the stigma of so-called “homosexual” discharges,” she said.

The gala hosted a keynote address by Brig. Gen. Tammy Smith, the first lesbian general officer serving openly, who also spoke to OutServe-SLDN at their Orlando conference Oct. 27.

“I know with certainty…That I am speaking to people who have skin in the game. We share that characteristic, you and I…we are “all in” to live an authentic life, to be ourselves both at home and at work,” Gen Smith said.

A selection committee determined the finalists for the each award, which were announced in August 2012. An independent panel of business and community leaders determined the winners.

The Out & Equal Workplace Summit, currently ongoing, brings together 3,000 business leaders, human resources and diversity professionals, employee resource group leaders, executive sponsors, LGBT employees and allies for a three day conference to examine issues of sexual orientation and gender identity in the workplace. For more information about the summit, Click here.

Out & Equal Workplace Advocates, founded in 1998 by executive director Selisse Berry, is the leading champion for fully inclusive workplace equality that convenes, influences and inspires global employers and their lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (LGBT) and allied employees.

Part of a series of blogs for “National Coming Out Day 2012″ (October 11th) focusing on personal experiences related to revelations about sexual orientation.

By David Small

My mother is my best friend. I share everything with her. Too cliché? But it is true. We travel together for her spring breaks. We laugh. We understand each other when the words get jumbled. It is a wonderful relationship.

So 12 years ago, when I was a 24yo lieutenant at Langley AFB, Va., and started dating my first boyfriend, it was a mind screw to share what I would normally share with my mom without telling her I was gay. In conversation, Peter was Patty and the pronouns got flustered.

I decided this wasn’t a sustainable situation. So I drove home to North Carolina for the weekend, not a rare occurrence. But this time for the express purpose to come out to my mom.

The weekend was low key, but my sister, Hannah, then 9, and my stepfather—a great guy named Ric, were always around. I didn’t have a second alone with my mom.

To boot, she asked me while preparing dinner in front of the others what Patty’s real name was. “Nobody’s named Patty these days, what’s her real name?”

I froze. I wasn’t ready. “Um, Patricia?”

I didn’t want to use the word gay or anything associated when I came out. I didn’t want her to have any salacious mental images. So figuring out the right words was difficult. This was a perfect segue.

So Sunday rolls around and I still hadn’t said anything. Mom, Hannah and I went shopping. I was going back to Virginia after lunch.

Hannah was in the backseat with her headphones on. I turn to mom in the car. She was driving. “Mom, Patty’s real name? It isn’t Patricia. It’s Peter.”

Dead silence.

Hannah piped up from the backseat, headphones apparently only a ruse, “I like Patricia better than Peter.”

Snicker.

“Any questions mom?”

“Tons, but not with a 9 year old in the back seat.”

Ouch.

We pulled into a barbecue place and sat down in a booth. Hannah was next to me oblivious to the drama and thick air surrounding her. While mom reviewed her menu, I asked, “Did you know?”

Hannah jabbed me, “Did you know what? Did you know what? Did you know what?”

I answered my sister, “That I have impeccable decorating sense.”

Mom practically spit her tea across the table. That’s when I knew she was okay with it. And she always has been.

She loves to joke about when I wanted a kitchen for Christmas when I was 5 and my dad was opposed, saying it’d make me gay. I’m pretty sure that didn’t make me gay, but it certainly helped with my culinary skills today.

I find it much harder to tell people you truly love for fear of disappointment. But that love tends to overcome anything else.

Telling my bio-dad and step mom was much easier.

I was on AOL and Leanne, my stepmom popped up. Remember AOL chat?

Leanne asked, as she always did, “Any girls in your life?”

My blurted response, “Leanne, stop asking. I’m gay.”

The conversation with her continued, while we shopped for an ugly black dress for her to wear to my grandfather’s funeral.

“It’s your choice,” she said.

“Leanne, it’s not a choice,” I responded.

She tried to argue it with me, but then I realized I was talking to a person who also didn’t believe in interracial marriage. So I wrote her off as ignorant and moved on.

Later, it was probably a bit rude of me, but I came out to my bio-dad at his father’s funeral. He was reimbursing me for my flight to Wisconsin to attend and I asked him to make the check out to Mike something or other, this loon I was dating at the time. I told him I was maxed out on the credit cards and Mike fronted me the money for the flight. I can’t remember if that was fact or fiction, but that’s what I said.

Him: “Who’s Mike? That’s a lot of money to loan you.”
Me: “He’s my boyfriend.”
Him: “We’ll talk about it later. Don’t ever let your grandmother know.”

Ass.

Leanne, in stunning brilliance, told him after the AOL chat anyway. Juxtaposed to my mom who kept it under wraps for a decade to my stepdad, respecting my comfort level to come out in my own time to him…

The easiest response I got was when I finally came out to Ric, my stepdad. He was the father figure in my life, having been there since I was 5. We’ve always been great friends. His humor rubbed off on me and has been one of the greatest gifts to my life. He is a retired Marine. Football in high school. Vietnam. Beer. Cigarettes. Red meat.

Recently, in retirement, he has started making cool envelopes out of calendars and scraps. So the entire family has begun writing each other actual letters, using the creative envelopes, and likely ticking off our postmen. It has made us all closer, for sure.

For a decade, my mother knew about me being gay. I came out to my sister while she was college hunting in Western N.C. But it was unspoken around Ric. I don’t know why. I’m sure he knew. I blamed “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” for keeping it a secret I guess. But that was gone. There was no shame now.

In one of the letters to Ric just last year, I described a great date I had from a guy from Chicago (who turned out to be another loon–I’m a magnet!). The comment was something you’d say just in passing, but was the first time I ever acknowledged being gay to Ric.

His letter in response: “I just have one question about this guy. White Sox or Cubs?”

I think those are baseball teams.

Bottom line – coming out is harder when you over think it. Spilling the beans has allowed me to be closer to my family. Well, not my bio-dad. For the rest of my family—it’s brought us closer because I can just be myself. I don’t have to walk on eggshells. I still haven’t brought any guys home though.

I know that it isn’t as easy for everybody. I’m lucky I guess. I wanted to share this story on National Coming Out day in hopes it might give somebody else comfort and courage that it’s okay to come out. Those that really matter in your life will either accept you unconditionally, or find a way to work around it mentally. It’s their issue, not yours. You be you.