Dear OutServe Magazine Reader,

I have served in the United States Air Force as a Mental Health Technician for the past four years, and I have worked as a substance abuse counselor for the better part of the last two years. Recently, I was forward-deployed to Afghanistan, where I operated a Combat Stress Clinic. Experience has shown me that most of the people who come into a Mental Health or Combat Stress Clinic do not suffer from a mental disorder, but simply need to be reminded about the basic fundamentals of life, like problems sleeping, communication issues, and adjusting to the military lifestyle. There are many other unique problems out there, and I would love the opportunity to help address them. Visit my facebook page at www.facebook.com/dearsergeant and post a question that you’d like to see answered here.

Sincerely,
Sergeant

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Dear Sergeant,

I am in a same-sex relationship right now and I have just received orders to Texas. My main issue is that I am in love with the girl that I am with, and when it becomes legal to marry, I plan to. With the repeal of DADT, should I have her move with me? I mean, its hard enough now to bring her around people I work with because everyone sees that we are together – more than a typical friendship – but I just want her to be a part of all of my life – not half of it.
– Conflicted Lover

Dear Conflicted Lover,

First of all, I would like to wish you the best of luck on your new assignment. While moving can be a stressful experience, try to look at this as a new chapter in your life. Embrace this change and make the most if it. As for the situation with your girlfriend, it is my firm belief that we will do whatever is necessary to stay with those we love. While, as service members, the Defense of Marriage Act prevents our being able to receive the traditional benefits that come along with marriage – such as housing and joint assignments – the repeal should allow you and your girlfriend the ability to live your lives together, without fear.

Talk to her about your current situation and see what her thoughts are. It is fantastic that you are concerned about both of your lifestyles, her happiness, and her willingness to move to Texas with you. Ultimately, however, moving to Texas with you should be her decision. Regardless of the circumstances, I say embrace the decision and make it work. Make this decision about your relationship going to the next level, and not about the fear of repercussions from a deceased policy. Remember: moving in with you is her decision, and her thoughts and feelings are equally as important. Good luck!

Hello & Good Day, Sarge!

Currently, my partner is in the Army. Her next duty station is going to be in Germany. I did some research and learned that I would be able to stay in the country for up to 90 days, at which point, I would have to leave the country for 6 months before returning. Are there any other options for us? We are planning to get married in about three months, but feel that may not be the best decision because of the new orders. It seems so unfair, especially since we have been together for so long. These laws are tough – your advice would be greatly appreciated!
Best Regards,
A. R.

Hello A.R,

I must say, I am saddened to hear about your current situation. I am going to assume that you are not in the military, since you are planning to stay in Germany on a visa. I have done some research on the visa requirements for Germany and talked to a friend of mine who lived in Germany for about 3 and a half years after high school. I think that I have found a pretty good opportunity for you to remain in the country longer than 90 days.

In Germany, Americans are permitted to apply for jobs on American military installations. Look into getting a job on base working in the Commissary or an AAFES facility. You can visit http://odin.aafes.com/employment/ as well as
http://federalgovernmentjobs.us/job-location/germany.html to find available positions on the military installations in Germany. Also, if you have a bachelor’s degree in a relevant field, you may even be able to snag a Government Services (GS) or contracting job available in the area. Having a job in the country will allow you to apply for a working visa, and having a government job will solidify your stay in Germany.

As far as your relationship and future marriage goes, I don’t think that I have to tell you that circumstances in the military are changing rapidly at the moment. We all hope that in the very near future we will see a world where our partners are recognized as military spouses and are entitled to the same benefits given to those of heterosexual couples. Do what you both think is best in this situation. I truly believe that with enough determination, we will do whatever it takes to make it work, regardless of the circumstances. Best of luck!

I would like to take this opportunity to introduce myself. I have served in the United States Air Force as a Mental Health Technician for the past four years, and I have worked as a substance abuse counselor for the better part of the last two years. Recently, I was forward-deployed to Afghanistan where I operated a Combat Stress Clinic. Experience has shown me that most of the people who come into a Mental Health or Combat Stress Clinic do not suffer from a mental disorder, but simply need to be reminded about the basic fundamentals of life, like problems sleeping, communication issues, and adjusting to the military lifestyle. There are many other unique problems out there, and I would like the opportunity to help solve some of them.

Sincerely, Sergeant

I am a 26 year-old guy who recently entered the military. I arrived to my first duty station a few months ago and have noticed that I have become more agitated on a daily basis, and I’m not sure why that is. My supervisor is 4 years younger than I am and I live in the dorms. I just don’t understand why my life experience is pushed aside — I feel like I am treated like a toddler. What can I do? — UNDER-APPRECIATED DORM DWELLER

Dear Under-appreciated, Coming into the military is a huge adjustment for everyone, but it can be even more of an adjustment for people who come in a bit later in life. You have had a lot of time to experience life in the real world and create your own path. The level of independence you have developed at 26 can be really hard to give up. Unfortunately, the military does not always take that experience into account.

Many of the new recruits that come into the various Services have just graduated highschool, and chances are, your supervisor is one of those high school graduates who has been in the service for a while by now. Although he or she does not have the same life experience that you do, they probably have a good handle on the way the military operates. Try not to their abilities too much just because they are a bit younger than you are.

As for your own situation, I would “bite the bullet” and play the game that all new servicemembers have to play to survive in the military. You will not be on the bottom rung of the food chain for long, and your life experience and independence will make fantastic leadership qualities as you progress in your career. Being a few years older than your peers offers several advantages for you. As your peers are focusing on learning how to be an employee and becoming independent of their parents, you will be able to review the tasks at hand and set yourself ahead of your peers immediately.

Dorm life is what you make of it. Some people really enjoy the simplicity of it, while others have a problem feeling like they are being babysat. If you have a problem with some of the policies enforced at the dorms on your base, try joining the Dorm Council. There, you will be able to influence certain aspects of life in the dorms. Now, you may not be able to change all of the policies that you do not like, but, perhaps, you will have some ideas that can improve morale and make it a more enjoyable experience for everyone. Just hang in there and know that you are not alone in the way you are feeling and it will get better — sooner than you think!

I have been in a relationship for a little over a year and things have been going very well. My significant other is a civilian, and has never seemed to have a problem with my life in the military…until recently. I deployed about 2 months ago, and I feel like ever since I left, we have been fighting a lot more and we can’t talk about anything without it ending in an argument. I have tried to find solutions to the problems, and I just don’t know what else I can do. I really don’t want to lose them, but I just can’t see any other option at this point. What should I do? — DEPLOYED SPOUSE

Dear Deployed Spouse, First of all, I would like to thank you for your sacrifice! Deployment is never an easy experience, regardless of your service or the length of your tour. Being away from your loved ones and the comfort of your lifestyle can take its toll on anyone. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you!

That being said, the sacrifice that you, and thousands of other servicemembers continue to make on an ongoing basis is very foreign to those who have not served in the military. Many times, civilians struggle with their decision to be in a military relationship, simply because they do not understand the demands of the position that you have volunteered for. This difference in opinion can lead to an increase in the number of arguments, and, if untreated, tends to put a major strain on the relationship. In some cases, this miscommunication can manifest as anger and resentment, which the servicemember often internalizes. These expressions are not meant for the servicemember, but are often taken out on the member for lack of a better target.

Another factor is that your significant other may be struggling with the perceived increase in your level of danger. They may not know how to support you through your deployment, especially if they do not agree with your being deployed.

Also, remember that while you are embarking on this new adventure and your life is becoming busier and more exciting than when you left, the only difference for the member at home is that you are not there. Deployers get a lot of special attention for the sacrifices they make on a regular basis. This leaves the spouses as the unsung heroes at home, temporarily dealing with the life you have left behind. Although they may not be running things the way you would, they are still managing your life for you in your absence. Perhaps some special recognition for their sacrifice is exactly what your relationship needs. Knowing that you appreciate all of their support and help through this journey can make all the difference! There are many ways that you can express this gratitude. Writing letters is a personal way to let your significant other know that you are thinking of them and have taken the time to include them in your day-to-day life. Sending a simple gift or token of appreciation can go a long way.

Try to keep these suggestions in mind when interacting with your significant other. Deployment is hard on everyone involved and it is very easy for couples to lose sight of the significance of their relationship. I am sure that whatever amount of effort you put in to reconnect with your partner, you will see an equal reciprocation.

Want Sarge to answer your question? E-mail dearsgt@outserve.org or visit his facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/dearsgt

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This column serves as a way for members to seek advice from their peers, and in no way does the columnist’s opinions replace professional medical advice. Anyone struggling with medical or personal issues is encouraged to seek professional help from a military chaplain, Family Support Center, or a medical health facility.