• Chaplains are advised to consult with their endorsers and commanders for issues in which they may find themselves unable to provide care for LGBT couples, based on those chaplains’ religious principles.
• Chaplains who are unable to provide marriage seminar/counseling to LGBT couples are to refer those couples to other chaplains/installations or comparable civilian care.
• Chaplains who welcome LGBT couples into marriage seminars/counseling are to notify their other couples/members of the participation of those LGBT couples.
• Chaplains are required to notify their command if they choose to perform same-gender weddings, and remain at the discretion of their endorsing body in choosing whether or not to perform those weddings.
• Chaplains remain at the discretion of their endorsing bodies in choosing whether or not to allow an LGBT service member to volunteer during services (choir, teaching, other leadership capacities).

The chaplain’s memo seems to begin and end with a commitment to honoring LGBT service members and their families, stating, “We remain committed to consistently providing religious and spiritual care to all,” yet some of the guidance issued seems to alienate some LGBT couples based on the sole discretion of various endorsing agencies. Why should chaplains who openly welcome LGBT families notify their straight members ahead of time of LGBT participation? And why should chaplains be required to notify their command of the performance of LGBT weddings? I applaud the Air Force’s initiative in providing more specific guidance to chaplains, but did they take it a step too far in outlining provisions that seem to discriminate against our LGBT service members?

Read the memo here.

Sports are largely separated by gender. The same is true for the military. This will slowly change with women being allowed to serve in combat roles. Today, however, if you went to Marine Corps boot camp in San Diego it labels you as male since no women are sent there for training. You cannot talk about boot camp without exposing who you were – your gender assigned at birth – just as discussing your time on submarines or serving in the infantry would out you.

There are many transgender people serving in the military today. We serve in silence. Some of us go to great lengths to hide who we are while in the service. Once out of the service, a lot of us go to great lengths to hide our new gender. After transitioning, we do not want others to know of our past because we want others to accept us for our new gender. But hiding our background creates a whole new set of fears and anxieties.

By gaining the male characteristics that I had always wanted, I lost my history as a woman. It is as if I never existed before my transition. I can no longer share some of my most joyous moments that expose me as having once lived my life as a woman. When someone asks where my daughter’s mother is, I cringe and say it is complicated. I want to tell them that it was me that gave birth to them, but I choose to remain silent. In my silence, I feel guilty that I am doing a disservice to other transgender persons by remaining invisible and passing as male.

I do not voice my transgender status in my local community. It is a personal choice, and I have had to come to terms with it. It is not just me I have to think about; it is my family as well. Being transgender is still stigmatized in society. I know we need to change the hearts and minds of Americans, but the price to pay to make change happen is very steep. Since I am new to this town, I want to gain the community’s respect before I come out. Beyond the city limits, though, I want my voice as a trans man to be heard.

At my daughters’ school Valentine’s Day party, red and pink hearts, balloons and streamers dotted the classroom. My Valentine’s Day sweethearts are my twin daughters. I gave birth to them, yet I can no longer share that joyous moment with other mothers. While watching the kids pass out candy and cards, two mothers were talking about their pregnancy experiences. One spoke of how difficult her daughter was to deliver. The other said she had a pretty easy time. My thoughts raced; I wanted to connect with them, but how could I? I wanted to say having twins was amazing. Feeling both of them wrestle around inside me was such a strange sensation. I wanted to say I had a C-section. That they came early because the doctor accidentally induced early labor. But I didn’t. I couldn’t.

I am Dad now. And nobody knows that I used to be their mother.

So instead, I said, “We had twins.” That was all I said and all I could say. From there, one mom said her sister had twins and that she used to breast feed them both at the same time. The other cut in and said she just doesn’t know how those mothers do it, and that she has the utmost respect for women who have twins. I wanted to be a part of that magic.
A trans woman veteran named Paula told me,

Those of us who are no longer serving in uniform have an obligation to tell our histories truthfully if we ever hope to change the regulations for those who are in uniform and can’t tell their truths. The public needs to know our stories and putting faces and real people on the issue of ‘transgender service’ will be vital to winning just as it was in repealing ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’

However, outing yourself is complicated at best.

A friend of mine, an active duty trans man in the Army, tries to embrace his past in hopes that it will help others that are questioning their gender.

I’m trying to embrace myself and my past – both civilian and military. I tell people why I left [the military] and my story, and it outs me. But I want to come to terms with myself in every point of my life, and am hoping that my story helps other people someday…Overall, though, being honest and open seems to be my best bet. I’ve gotten nothing but respect in return…nothing malicious yet.

Explaining one’s past is a personal choice, but the decision nonetheless causes a great deal of anxiety. I am still conflicted about choosing to lose my history as a woman. Hopefully, I will overcome my fears and embrace my past so others can see the true me.

About the Author: Evan Young is originally from Little Rock, Ark. He graduated basic training in 1989, transitioned from a sergeant to lieutenant in 1998, and rose to the rank of Major before retiring in 2013. Evan and his partner currently live in Spring Lake, Michigan with their two children.

For the past 18 months I have been stationed onboard Pre-Commissioning Detachment/Unit USS ARLINGTON (LPD 24). I used to be one of those people who took U.S. Navy ships for granted. Get orders, go to a new command—for the most part it seems simple. However, for me it has not been so simple.

While attending mission critical schools for four months in Norfolk, VA. at the Pre-Commissioning Detachment, I received the critical knowledge needed to establish the ship in a short period of time. I was then transferred to the Pre-Commissioning Unit in Pascagoula, Mississippi in January 2012. Upon arrival I set to work learning my way around the ARLINGTON. To see a giant clean hull and then to go inside and witness the work that it takes to build a ship is incredible. I was able to help the shipbuilders of Huntington Ingalls Industries install the gear that I would soon take ownership of and use.

Throughout my training a critical piece of my happiness was missing­—my family!  It is said the hardest job in the Navy belongs to the spouse, and in our case, this proved true. While I was in Pascagoula, my partner of two years, Joshua, was holding down the fort back in Newport News, Va., working a full time job and taking care of our pets. And for the first time, he was learning how to be apart from his partner for an extended period of time. For 15 months, our communication was limited to brief phone calls. I began to feel the emotional effects of being over 1,000 miles away from home. It took long days and nights of hard work to bring the ship to life, which meant days would go by without talking to Joshua. There were times when I worried we would not be able to maintain our sense of togetherness. But when we were able to talk by phone, Joshua was so supportive and reassuring—giving me the peace of mind I craved. He truly displayed the virtues of a dedicated Navy spouse.

I returned home to Norfolk on 22 March 2013 to a hero’s welcome. For the first time in almost 10 years, my partner was waiting on the pier to welcome me home, and I was able to give him a tour of our new ship. That day, the ARLINGTON was not only my ship, but his ship as well. He had maintained our home, fighting the wars that I could not fight because I was over a thousand miles away. He was my rock, and like all other ARLINGTON spouses, he had a crucial role in the building of the ARLINGTON.

Plankowners IT1(SW/AW) Christopher Hooper and GMSN Amanda Bliss explain the mission of USS ARLINGTON to BG Tammy Smith and OutServe-SLDN Executive Director Allyson Robinson on the flightdeck following the commissioning of USS ARLINGTON (LPD 24).

The next major milestone for the ARLINGTON was her commissioning on 6 April 2013. On this day, my fellow crewmembers and I were joined by nearly 5,000 guests to witness our country’s newest ship brought to life when Joyce Rumsfeld, wife of former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, directed us to man our ship and arm the main batteries. There were a few special guests in attendance for me, including Joshua, members of both of our families, OutServe-SLDN Executive Director Allyson Robinson and her daughter Jubilee, Brigadier General Tammy Smith and her wife Tracey, and several OutServe-SLDN Virginia Chapter members. Some former shipmates were in attendance as well. Sharing this special day with all of them was so meaningful. To feel the support of the highest levels of OutServe-SLDN and the United States military gives me new hope that through all the pain and uncertainty, the LGBT community will have a stable home in the U.S. military defending our nation and the ideals of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

As crewmembers of the ARLINGTON, we are taught to think about “Standards and Ownership.” When we apply these same principles in our professional careers and in our personal lives, we are an unstoppable force. Those of us who lived under “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” set the standards for that time. Now a new group is setting the standards for the Defense of Marriage Act age. We have chosen to set these standards; we will not let them be set for us. We have taken ownership of these issues and we will not let anyone tell us how we should live. These are our rights as Americans. We are proud. We will stand up and be heard.

Memorial Day weekend is, first and foremost, about remembering those who have made the ultimate sacrifice. It honors the many sacrifices of those who served and who are currently serving.  It lifts up families and friends who have lost loved ones to combat and in the line of duty. It recognizes the best our nation had and has to offer.

Last week, as I have on every Memorial Day spent in D.C., I joined thousands of people who visited Arlington National Cemetery to honor our fallen brothers and sisters by putting some flowers on graves and placing flags.  This year I visited a fallen brother from my home state of North Carolina. He was member of the U.S. Army Military Police Corps, just like I am. I’ve never had the honor of deploying. He did, though, and never made it back.

He lost his life to an IED blast in Iraq, and I attended his funeral back in July of 2011.  Last week, I returned to his plot in Section 60 of Arlington National Cemetery during the early afternoon hours to pay my respects.

As I approached Section 60, I noticed a large crowd of people gathering and several black SUV’s. I wasn’t really paying attention to what was going on around me; I was focused on visiting my fallen comrade. The crowd grew as I got closer to his plot. I noticed security officers were present and quickly realized something was going on. Finally, I saw him.

President Barack Obama greets visitors in Section 60 at Arlington National Cemetery in Arlington, Va.,on Memorial Day, Monday, May 27, 2013. Iraq and Afghanistan war veterans are buried in Section 60. (AP Photo / Molly Riley)

President Barack Obama. Standing less than five feet away from me.

Flashbulbs were going off all around me. Cries of, “Mr. President! Mr. President!” clamored for his attention. Eventually I couldn’t go any further – the crowd and the security were too thick. And then I realized I was face to face with my Commander-in-Chief.

I was wearing my ACU uniform. My nametape, D.C. National Guard unit patch, rank, and American flag were proudly displayed where he could see them. The President looked me in the eye, shook my hand, and thanked me for my service. He called me “sir” and “young man.” My hand was shaking afterward, and to be honest, my eyes got a bit teary. I thought to myself, I will remember this, as long as I live, as one of the most profoundly meaningful moments of my life. It only lasted a moment, but even now it’s hard to believe it happened.

I eventually made it to my comrade’s grave site. I spent some time there praying. I prayed for his family, for his unit members. I wished his family could have been there to get that handshake from the President, and so much more.

Now, with LGBT Pride Month upon us I can’t help but think about something else.  The President shook my hand and thanked me for my service. He called me “sir” and “young man.” I wonder what he would say or do if he knew I was transgender. How would he react if he knew that when I enlisted in the Army just over 4 years ago, I had not enlisted as the “young man” that I had always known myself to be. What if he knew that during basic training a thick bun of curly hair rested under my combat helmet and beret, or that during Advanced Individual Training in September 2010 I came out as transgender and decided to live my life authentically, full time as man. What would he say then? What would he do?

Despite the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) in December, 2010, nothing has changed for me. The repeal allowed lesbian, gay, and bisexual service members to serve with integrity.  However, transgender service members still face discharge if they come out or are outed. I am one of them.

I have served honorably for four years. I’ve always gotten along with my chain of command, never failed a PT test, and when I first enlisted, planned on dedicating 20 years of service to this great country. Being a soldier was all I ever wanted to do, since I was a kid.

When Pentagon leaders released a statement on May 31 to commemorate LGBT Pride Month, they noted the service, accomplishments, and devotion to duty of transgender Department of Defense civilians. They clearly and purposefully left out transgender service members – service members like me.

What would President Obama have said when he shook my hand if he had known that very day could have been my last in uniform, my last as a Soldier? How would the President have responded if I had told him I wanted to serve 20 years, or that I dreamt of re-classing to become a helicopter mechanic and a crew chief – but those dreams were being taken from me just because of who I am?

And what would he do if he knew I wasn’t alone? That there are so many of us, all hoping and praying together that we can serve openly before time runs out for us, one way or another.  What if I’d said, “This isn’t just my story Mr. President. It is my friends’ story, my brothers’ story, and my sisters’ story.”

I know how President Obama feels about lesbian, gay, and bisexual service members. He’s been very clear about that. But I wonder what he thinks about the policies that bar transgender people from serving openly. For now, I can only hope that one day the President will say the words “transgender” and “service” in the same sentence, just like I hope that one all day service members will be able to serve honorably and openly and be judged by their capabilities, dedication, and honor, rather than their gender identity.

If I had gotten another 15 seconds with the President, maybe I would have asked him.  Maybe then I would know what he would say to Soldiers like me.

The author of this blog must remain anonymous, since transgender service members are prohibited from serving openly in America’s military.

As members of the military know, a single year will often be packed with changes that most civilians can’t begin to imagine. Deployments, transfers, duty assignments, and even colleagues change for us with a regularity that would make the average person’s head spin. We are conditioned to accept change as a constant, and although we can become accustomed to it, our families often bear the burden of keeping the pace.

From their first Marine Ball together to their White House engagement, Captain Matthew Phelps, USMC, and Ben Schock marry in a private ceremony on May 25, 2013, in Seattle. [Photo: Nate Gowdy/Seattle Gay News]

What made this year different, though, is that it wasn’t just about doing what was right for me anymore. In May 2013, I will marry my partner, Ben. I never imagined that I would find myself in the position to ask someone to move halfway around the world to be with me, but when I received my orders that’s exactly what I did, and he said yes. And as special as Ben is to me, and as wonderful as our lives are together, there is nothing special about our story. Service members go through changes like these all the time, and our families adjust.

The military does its best to make these life-changing transitions easier to bear. Families receive a separation allowance when duty requires the service members to travel without their families. When families are authorized to move with service members, the military pays for travel and moving expenses. Bases often provide job placement services for dislocated spouses. Service members’ housing allowances are adjusted for the cost of supporting their families at new duty stations. Family members receive free healthcare.

When service members are transferred outside the continental United States, even more assistance is provided. Spouses are covered under the same “Status of Forces Agreement” that gives legal protections to service members when they are stationed in foreign countries. The government sponsors spouses and family members to obtain visas as needed for work or school. The government’s goal is to take care of families so that service members aren’t so distracted by family matters as to prevent them from performing their duties at their best.

For families like mine, though, none of these services or benefits are provided. In fact, despite Defense Secretary Hagel’s desire to treat all military spouses and families equally, the military is specifically prohibited from doing so under the Defense of Marriage Act.

Ours is not the only—or even the first—LGBT family to face the challenges that an overseas assignment will bring. We have, however, chosen to let our story serve as a public example of the inequality LGBT families face in the military. Many people see the photos of my engagement to Ben at the White House or see the videos we’ve made and refer to us as activists. We don’t think of ourselves that way. Like most couples, we’re just two people working to build a better life for each other and those around us. We do, however, consider it our duty to be advocates.

As military members, we are expected to make decisions that will support and benefit others, even if doing so comes at great cost. As members of the LGBT community fighting for equality, it’s no different. But while activists have the liberty of aggressively speaking out, regardless of the consequences, as advocates we must carefully weigh the demands of our many obligations—to our country, to our families, and to the service members who will come after us. Sometimes silence is the best—or even the only—decision. Other times, however, it’s not.

The case of my permanent change of station to Okinawa, Japan, is such a case. We must be willing to stand up for what is right when not doing so would hurt our families and our ability to provide for them. By publicly acknowledging our challenges and working to fix them—both from within the military and with organizations like OutServe-SLDN, we will be better able to serve our military and our families. Our nation expects this of us, and deserves nothing less than our best effort.

Our families will continue to be transferred, deployed, and challenged by change that is constant in our service. We must step up, speak out, and do whatever we can for equality. We will never eliminate the hardships we and our families face, but we can—and must—continue to work towards a goal of taking care of our families, so we may serve our country with the focus and dedication that the nation requires of us.

As a Marine, it is my duty to execute lawful orders. As a husband, it is my duty to honor and provide for my family. As an advocate for equality, it is my duty to weigh these two demands and, ultimately, prevent others from having to face the same challenges later.

Disclaimer: The views expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the U.S. Armed Forces.

Very soon America will know how the Supreme Court has chosen to handle the so-called Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), and we at OutServe-SLDN are preparing for all scenarios. Meanwhile, we are doing all we can to secure the freedom to serve for our transgender brothers and sisters, and recent months have brought us renewed opportunities to raise  awareness among policy makers in Washington, D.C. and elsewhere about the unjust policies and regulations that bar their service.

One thing I know is certain. Soon—very soon—we will accomplish our formal policy goals. But as incredible an accomplishment as that will be, it is only the beginning of our work. Changing laws, regulations, and policies is the easy part. Changing culture is something entirely different and actually takes a lot more time and considerably more work.

That’s why our board of directors met in Washington, D.C. in early May to chart a new course for our future as an organization. The result is a new mission statement and set of strategic aims that I am excited to share with you now:

OutServe-SLDN empowers, supports, and defends the Department of Defense and military service LGBT community, LGBT veterans, and their families, while working to strengthen our military’s culture of inclusion.

We accomplish this mission through the following strategic priorities:

• Providing LGBT service members with unique opportunities for professional development, support, networking, and camaraderie at the local, regional, and national level;
• Building local, regional, and national networks of support for LGBT military families;
• Mobilizing and organizing LGBT service members, Department of Defense (DoD) civilians, veterans, their families, and their allies to make unique contributions to the quality of life of our military communities;
• Providing support to LGBT service members, DoD civilians, veterans, and their families facing harassment or discrimination;
• Educating and informing the public on matters related to the service and sacrifice of LGBT military personnel, DoD civilians, veterans, and their families and on the value of a military culture of inclusion;
• Equipping DoD and the Department of Veterans Affairs (DVA) to create inclusive and respectful command climates and the institutional culture of LGBT inclusion to undergird them;
• Advocating within DoD and DVA for regulatory changes to remove barriers to equal opportunity and equal support;
• Advocating before Congress and the White House for measures that support LGBT service members, veterans, and families, while defending against those that would limit our gains.

One of changes we are making in the near term is to open membership in OutServe-SLDN to supporters beyond those who are actively serving members of the military. Building a culture of inclusion and respect for LGBT people in DoD and DVA is an incredibly ambitious goal, and even our best effort will not be enough if we are working alone. To accomplish the mission, we must include the broad community of those who have served to defend our nation—veterans, retirees, allies of all sexual orientations and gender identities—and, indeed, all who believe our military ought to be leading the country in inclusion rather than lagging behind it. If you are ready to pitch in and lend your support to our mission and America’s LGBT military community, then we have a place for you.

No matter who you are…you belong here.

Fearful of being labeled “the gay kid” or “faggot” rather than being known for the caliber of Airman I was becoming, I made the decision to keep my head down and focus on being the best. Through tireless work, long nights, and extra rotations, I began winning awards at my first duty assignment; eventually, these merits built upon each other and became a steady flow. I was awarded BTZ in front of my flight and peers, and when I was called to the front of my formation my Commander asked, “Are you not happy?” To my complete embarrassment I realized that I was not smiling. My expression was empty. I quickly threw on the face I had become accustomed to showing to the world: a hollow smile, the same one that I put on when my Flight Chiefs bashed gays when they thought there were none in the room. I was courteous and did what was expected of me. I shook, took and saluted, and then fell into the back of my formation with a greater feeling of shame than ever before. I could never know for certain the answer to the question that nagged at me: Would they have given this to me if they knew I was gay?

My plan had failed. Early rank, admiration, and a stupid plaque were supposed to make me feel worthy. Weren’t they? I took a hard look at myself and came to the conclusion that as long as I continued to live behind a façade I would never be happy. Over the next few months I came out to a few members of my family and some of my peers. Although it was difficult at times, I felt liberated, especially when I found that many of my friends were supportive; in fact, they were excited for me! Over the course of a year it became known throughout my squadron that I was gay, but what was better known is that I was an Airman with answers, an Airman who raised newer flight members, and an Airman who could be counted on. I was outspoken but professional. The slurs gradually faded around me, but they were not absent; a select few still refused to hide their intolerance. Although I heard stories from peers about Airmen attacking me for being gay, others were quick to defend my character and the personal attacks were eventually abated. For the first time, I enjoyed an environment in which I was comfortable and at home in my squadron, no longer distanced by hatred and fear.

Unfortunately, this security would not last. I was due to return back to the U.S. for my next duty assignment.

This time when I reported into my training section I was much more self-aware. Knowing I was no longer in my comfort zone, I decided to gauge my environment before I allowed others the opportunity to attack me for being gay. To my complete frustration, it seemed like the clock had been turned back. Every five minutes I would hear, “that kid is a faggot”, “she’s a dyke”, and “this is gay, that is gay.” No one championed for gays in this environment. I didn’t want to go to training, because I was disgusted by these comments. Hours before the weekend began, our Chief, a man whose reputation preceded him, came to speak to us. He was a hero to the younger generation. During his briefing he joked with us, making us laugh. Then he joked with me. He made a joke that I was gay without any prior knowledge that I actually was, and I was momentarily the laughingstock of the room. I immediately reverted to the self-conscious Airman I had been at the clearing barrel years ago. I realized that there must be others in this fresh group of Airmen from tech school who were gay and were subject to the exact same intolerance that I was. I was so furious I considered making a complaint to the Equal Opportunity Office or the Inspector General. After several days of building the nerve, I decided instead to make use of his famous “open door policy.”

I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t terrified, which I confessed as I sat down to speak with him after closing his office door. Respectfully, I addressed what happened the previous Friday. I could see immediately that he regretted the way his words had affected one of his Airmen. I told him that I was gay and that while I understood that what he had said may have been light hearted, those kinds of comments could compromise the unity of our workplace and strike fear and shame into those who were not quite ready to make their sexual orientation known to the world. He assured me that what had occurred would never happen again, and that he meant no harm. He extended his hand before I left his office.

From my experience, I have learned that there have been so many great leaps made for equality in the past few years, but within certain settings in the military being “gay” is still something of a fictitious thing. Though people are aware that gays serve in the military, they don’t necessarily think that there is somebody gay in their unit. This lack of awareness allows them to demean gays—often in the presence of gay service members—because they are not visible if they haven’t come out to their unit. Until this thinking is challenged directly, it will continue, especially if it is condoned by our leaders. But when a face is put to the name “faggot” or “dyke,” others begin to realize that those so disparaged are their peers, friends, and family members. I’m still the same Airman and the same professional, but if we are to finish where “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” fell short, it’s important for service members to see that they serve alongside gays too.

– Anonymous, USAF

This is a true story and the author is anonymous to prevent further attention from media. The purpose of this story to help service members across all branches find their voice in the face of adversity. Unfortunately, sexual orientation is not protected under MEO, so this service member, as much as he may have liked  to seek recourse outside his chain of command, would not have had an avenue for doing so. OutServe-SLDN continues to call on the military to formally enact sexual orientation and gender identity protections for service members.

A warm glow flushes my cheeks, and I reply, “Good morning!” Closer to work a familiar face draws near and salutes; “Good morning, Ma’am.” A heavy feeling of discontent weighs on me, and I return the salute with the grudging reply, “Good morning.”

I am a transgender military officer. Outside of work, I live my life as a man. Once on post, I am female. My short hair and manly features present an androgynous and confusing appearance.

I grew up in Arkansas, and knew that many outsiders perceived women there as “barefoot and pregnant” rednecks. That stereotype drove me to move out of the state and join the Army. I wanted to be on an equal footing with men. I found new confidence along the way as my drive to exceed expectations helped me rise through the ranks. Yet, I always had the feeling of being a second class soldier because of my gender.

Males have confidence ingrained in them at an early age. Men are encouraged to stand up for themselves and speak their mind. When they don’t, they are often labeled effeminate or called derogatory terms such as faggot or princess. The “stereotypical male” role is enforced by men as well as women. A woman speaking to a man that seems effeminate will treat him differently.

I elicited slurs such as “tomboy” or “lesbian” because I was seen as a strong female. Although I wore these labels proudly, I never felt as if I measured up to the boys in my class. As a female, I was encouraged by my parents to play sports and follow my interests in math and science. They were very supportive and allowed me to pursue what I wanted. Society, on the other hand, looked down on my pursuit of more stereotypically male interests. After all, women are expected to want to marry and have children.

I always knew that I was not just a strong woman. I have known from an early age that one day I would grow up and be a man. It wasn’t until the past few years that I came to realize that I could do something about it.

Patriarchal dominance in society keeps women from reaching their highest potential. In the military, denying women roles in combat ensured men always held the positions of highest authority. Women were enshrined as something less, trapped beneath a glass ceiling. This is changing now with Secretary Panetta’s historical lifting of the ban of women in combat. However, the mindset of some will never change. Mitigating generations of dogma about women will take time and effort. Bringing young women up to see unlimited role models and opportunities will be a big part of ushering in the next generation of leading women.

As a trans man, I recognize the male privilege that surfaces when I am recognized as male. I am seen as knowledgeable about the mechanics of my truck even if I have no clue what is causing my starter to not turn over. I can buy a new car without having someone try to pull the wool over my eyes. I can call the plumber, and he speaks with me as an equal. Rebecca Solnit observed this too, and wrote:

“Men explain things to me, and to other women, whether or not they know what they’re talking about…every woman knows what I mean. It’s the presumption that makes it hard, at times, for any woman in any field; that keeps women from speaking up and from being heard when they dare; that crushes young women into silence by indicating, the way harassment on the street does, that this is not their world. It trains us in self-doubt and self-limitation just as it exercises men’s unsupported overconfidence.”

Internalized privilege generates the confidence that I exude when returning a salute after being called “sir”. I have no preconceived lack of ability. I can be called upon to run an operation without my superiors thinking I need help. Sometimes, I think all of this may be just in my head. But then, I’ve seen this first-hand far too many times when male officers were chosen over me even though I was more qualified.

I did not transition to gain male privilege. Some lesbians, however, perceive me as a traitor. Inheriting male privilege is a by-product of transitioning from female to male. Hopefully, one day the world will rid itself of the patriarchal mindset. Women are different than men, but everyone should have the same opportunity to excel. Misogyny has no place in our military, and I am gratified leadership moving to affirm this.

In that moment where I am called “sir”, though, I feel like I can take on the world.

***

About the Author: Evan Young is originally from Little Rock, Ark. He graduated basic training in 1989, transitioned from a sergeant to lieutenant in 1998, and rose to the rank of Major before retiring. In 1998, Evan graduated from Northwestern State University of Louisiana with a B.A. in English. From there, he continued his studies while on Active Duty and graduated from Nova Southeastern University in Florida with a M.S. in Computer Information Management. He earned his public affairs credentials in 2004 and broadcasting management credentials in 2007. He served in the Reserves, Guard, and Active Duty. He was the Hawaii National Guard Public Affairs officer and a Media Officer at NORAD and US NORTHCOM. Evan began transition in 2011. He retired from the Army as a Major in 2013. Since then he began his own web development company and has written for OutServe Magazine as a blogger. Evan and his partner currently live in Spring Lake, Mich., with their two children.

I am married to Lieutenant Gary Ross. He graduated from high school a year early and he enlisted in the U.S. Navy in 1995 at the age of 17. “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) was already in effect and the so-called Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) went into effect the following year. After a few years, Gary decided to become an officer and he received an appointment to the U.S. Naval Academy. He began school in 1998 and I met him on a dating website in 2000. We have been in a committed relationship for over 13 years. Gary graduated from the U.S. Naval Academy in 2002 and his class was the first class to graduate into war after the terrorist attacks on 9/11. He has been assigned to several ships and he is currently the Combat Systems Officer on U.S.S. ANCHORAGE (LPD 23) in San Diego.

Dan and Lt. Gary Ross

DADT forced us to hide our relationship from everyone except for a handful of trusted friends and family members. The law required Gary to keep me a secret and it forced him to lie to his shipmates on a daily basis. DADT was repealed in 2011 and we were finally able to be open and honest about our relationship for the first time. We waited more than 11 years for that moment and we were legally married in Vermont at the exact moment the repeal went into effect. DADT was a tremendous burden and it was exhilarating to finally be able to express our love openly. However, DOMA continues to cast a dark shadow on our marriage and it prevents us from receiving equal recognition, benefits, and family support for equal sacrifice and service in the U.S. Armed Forces.

Gary does the same job as service members who are married to someone of the opposite sex, but he does not receive up to $6,000 per year in compensation because we are the same sex. Gary does not receive the “with dependents” Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH) rate as a married service member. Instead, he receives the “without dependents” BAH rate which is $246 less per month in San Diego. When Gary’s ship is away from port for more than 30 days, he does not receive Family Separation Allowance (FSA) as a married service member. Instead, he receives nothing which is $250 less per month. Gary does not receive the “with dependents” Permanent Change of Station (PCS) weight allowance as a married service member. Instead, he receives the “without dependents” PCS weight allowance which is 1,500 pounds less.

Gary does the same job as service members who are married to someone of the opposite sex, but I do not receive receive vital benefits because we are the same sex. I have traveled to Mexico on numerous occasions for affordable healthcare because the cost of private insurance is prohibitive. Two days after our wedding, I was returning from the doctor in Mexico when gunfire broke out at the San Ysidro border crossing. A customs agent and several civilians were hurt. Gary and I feared for my life that day. A few years earlier, I went to the emergency room after cutting my left index finger on a table saw and the medical bills totaled about $2,000. On another occasion, I went to the dentist because I was experiencing severe tooth pain and it required a costly root canal and medication. Unfortunately, the tooth had to be extracted six months later and it took several years before Gary and I could save enough money to have my tooth replaced.

Last year, I received medical, dental, and vision insurance benefits through my employer, but I still paid about $4,500 on out-of-pocket healthcare expenses including premiums and deductibles. This year, my insurance benefits were converted to COBRA after a reduction in hours. As a result, I may return to Mexico for affordable healthcare because COBRA premiums are $548 per month.

My husband, Lieutenant Gary Ross, has served in the military for his entire adult life and he took an oath to support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic. Ironically, DOMA denies us hundreds of federal benefits and many of the same rights he supports and defends for others. DOMA makes second-class citizens out of first-class service members. DOMA is a domestic enemy of the Constitution of the United States. Gary and I are #DONEwithDOMA and we are fighting for equality.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Dan Ross is the husband of Navy Lieutenant Gary Ross. The two were married at the stroke of midnight on September 20, 2011, the day of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” repeal. They are plaintiffs in OutServe-SLDN’s federal court challenge to the so-called Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), McLaughlin v. Panetta. They live in San Diego, CA.

However, as all this was going on, I realized that another situation has gone unmentioned. What happens when the spouse of a military person is transgender? Some might argue that this is a very rare situation, and doesn’t need attention. However, my recent interactions with a number of transgender people associated with the military say that this situation is far more common than people realize.

A few weeks ago a trans woman in the Dayton area sent me a message asking me if I remembered a female colonel I worked for while I was still on active duty. I did, and replied that I liked her because she generally had a good read on who everyone in the command was and what they were doing. What she wrote next blew my mind. “She came out as a lesbian after she retired in 2008. We’re married now.” A little further digging revealed that they had met and gotten married after the trans woman had transitioned. However, because of military regulations and DOMA, the trans woman did not have base access, Tricare, or any of the other benefits the spouse of a retired colonel would normally have.

In short, the military regards them as a same sex couple. But my marriage is regarded as a heterosexual one because I transitioned after we were married, even though in both cases we are trans women married to another woman.

At about the same time, I also spoke with a trans man in the military. He talked about the difficulties he and his boyfriend, a civilian trans man who lives in Washington DC, expect if they get married. Another situation that came up in discussion recently was a trans woman (MTF) I know who is closeted, but on active duty. She is married to a trans man (FTM) who is just starting transition. When the trans man civilian spouse went to medical to start hormone therapy, they refused to treat him unless his spouse came in and verified that she knew what was happening and approved.

Given all of these situations, figuring out which marriages the government will regard as gay or straight is a mind boggling exercise in one of the grayest areas of law. In the case of the retired colonel, the marriage is gay, but only because the trans woman transitioned before the marriage and wasn’t born in Idaho, Ohio, Tennessee, or Texas (where birth certificate gender changes are not legally allowed). However, the two trans men may or may not be a gay marriage, depending if the one in DC changed his SSN gender marker before or after they got married. The trans woman in the military married to a trans man is a heterosexual couple, but the trans man can’t change his gender in DEERS because of DOMA.

I approached four of my friends who practice law in the LGBT community about this, and how the federal government determines if a couple is same sex or opposite sex for the purposes of defining marriage.

I got four different answers.

I did have a long conversation with Jillian Weiss of Lambda Legal, who summed up the situation. It is mostly up to the states to determine whether a marriage is gay or not for federal purposes. Unfortunately, this isn’t very helpful to transgender people, since when it comes to transgender people, marriage law varies radically from state to state. A lawyer in seminal transgender marriage law case of Littleton v. Prange noted in 1999:

“Taking this situation to its logical conclusion, Mrs. Littleton, while in San Antonio, Tex., is a male and has a void marriage; as she travels to Houston, Tex., and enters federal property, she is female and a widow; upon traveling to Kentucky she is female and a widow; but, upon entering Ohio, she is once again male and prohibited from marriage; entering Connecticut, she is again female and may marry; if her travel takes her north to Vermont, she is male and may marry a female; if instead she travels south to New Jersey, she may marry a male.”

Legal reasoning since then has been divided, and has often involved complex constitutional arguments such as the full faith and credit clause. In general, though, for purposes of estate such as In re Gardiner, birth sex has been treated as the gold standard of determining whether or not a marriage is gay.

Jillian also reiterated what I was finding out on my own; there is no such thing as legal gender. There is only legal gender for a specific purpose. I am female on my driver’s license, on my passport, in my civilian company’s personnel database, and with my health care provider. However, because they didn’t offer partner benefits when I started (that changed this year on January 1), I was male for the purposes of my marriage. Just to keep things interesting, I am male in DEERS (the military personnel database) because my spouse is female in the system, and as a result of DOMA, the software will not allow me change my gender in the system.

In the end, no one can seem to agree whether a marriage involving transgender people is same sex or not. But, marriages involving transgender people do happen, and involve the military more than people know. However, until the military recognizes all marriages and DOMA is struck down, the Gordian knot that is transgender marriage law represents a barrier to determining how to effectively integrate transgender people into the military.