Ask Sarge

Dear Sergeant,

I recently met this guy online who happened to be in the U.S. Army, currently deployed to Afghanistan. Though I’ve only known him for a short period of time and we have never met face-to-face, I have very strong feelings toward him and feel compelled to support him on his deployment.

Since we began communicating, I have come to learn that he is still very uncomfortable with his sexuality, and this has kept him from opening up to anyone else about his thoughts and feelings during this struggle. At one point, he even confessed that he feels lost and does not think that anyone understands how confused he is during this time in his life.

Not long ago, he stopped responding to my emails and I have been unable to contact him. I am concerned because he seems so lost and confused, in the middle of Afghanistan, and unwilling or unable to contact the one person that he has been able to confide in. What should I do?

– Army Lover

Dear Army Lover,

It is no secret that “coming out” and accepting one’s sexuality can be a very troubling time. It is an extremely personal experience that cannot be forced. The individual must move at their own pace and within their own level of comfort. OutServe has created a strong support network for those service members who feel alone or are unable to locate and/or communicate with others in our community. With various chapters all around the world, we are able to connect with thousands of fellow LGBT service members.

My recommendation is that you give him some space and allow him to come to terms with his sexuality at his own pace. Should he contact you again, try to connect him with OutServe, if he has not already done so. Additionally, it is important to take into consideration the environment in which he is living. It is entirely possible that he is deployed to a location that has very limited communication. This may be the reason he has not contacted you in a while. Ultimately, there is no real way to know why your guy has not been in touch, but the possibilities are endless.

Be patient and allow him the time and space he needs to come to terms with his own reality.


Dear Sergeant,

I am an active-duty service member and my partner is currently pregnant. I have no idea where to begin in order to support my family. I am hoping I can claim the baby as a dependent in the state of California and that my name can go on the birth certificate if we are domestic partners. However, I’m not sure how to go about this process. If you have any suggestions or advice, I would really appreciate it.

– Newborn Bliss

Dear NB,

I know that the post-repeal time can be confusing for many of us. It seems that, with every passing day, policies change and we are constantly looking for the most up-to-date information.

According to both and the Servicemembers’ Legal Defense Network, you will be able to claim the baby as a dependent as long as you have completed a legal adoption process for the child. Once you have adopted the baby, you will need to enroll the child into DEERS.106. That way, Tricare will be notified of the additional dependent and the child will be eligible for all of the normal medical benefits.

For more extensive information, you can log-on to: or
Congrats on your new addition and best of luck!


Dear Sergeant,

I have been in a relationship with my fiancé, Brad, for about a year now. Brad just got orders to Japan and will be leaving in a few months. This news came as a shock to us and I am conflicted about the situation.

One part of me wants him to try to cancel his orders and stay with me so we can be together. I know that this is not a guaranteed possibility since he could easily get another set of orders and we would be right back where we are now, not to mention the damage something like that could have on his career.

The other part of me wants him to go so that he can expand his horizons and do great things. I have thought about getting a government or contract position at the base there, which would allow me access to the base, as well as housing there so we could continue to stay together. I just don’t know what to do in this situation or where to start with any of these processes. Please help…

– Star-Cossed Lover

Dear Star-Crossed,

It is sad that, even with all the progress that the LGBT community has made over the last few decades, we are still denied basic marital recognition on a federal level. That is not to say that we will ever stop fighting for equal rights… we just haven’t yet won the battle in time for your situation.

I encourage you to look for a government or contract position at his location. That is the easiest way for you to get to be together for the duration of his tour in Japan. You can find all the current job listings at his location by logging on to Another option for you would be to go through a work visa process and hope that you can find off-base employment in the area. You can find all requirements and processes for obtaining a Japanese work visa by logging on to

Finally, you can remain in the United States and continue to love and support your loved one from afar, while saving as much as you can until you are able to fly in to visit him from time to time. You can also continue to look for an open government or contract position available at his location during this time.

I hope this information helps you in your endeavor.


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